Geez. What is it this time?

I had a decent dinner, and then went for a fantastic run, and then came home and had a snack. And now I am no longer hungry.

But I want chocolate. What IS it with chocolate, by the way? Why is that the universal (stereotypical) stress food?

I mean, I know what's going on. I'm tired. I'm anxious about upcoming vacation and tour. I'm anxious about my new job. I'm worried about my marriage. I'm worried about my child. There's a lot of stuff going on. I'm also seeing physical changes due to exercise (and still no dieting!), and I can FEEL that I am internally struggling with that, for whatever reasons I tend to struggle with losing body mass.

Now I need to decide if I want to just have the taste of chocolate that I want and be done with a taste, or if I want to reason my way away from it. I think either approach will be okay, and after typing, I think the latter will be the choice for tonight. I can have it tomorrow, if I want. And I think I will end my night with some yoga, since that has been tremendously helpful for my mood lately.

LAST DAY!

It's over! IT'S OVER!

I never thought that blogging could become such a chore.

In other news...I never thought that I'd be excited about exercising, at least not this much. I got home and did some basic cardio stuff, and now I'm like, "Okay, ready for the sun to go down so I can run".

The cardio stuff...yeah, it does feel like weight-loss stuff. Running doesn't, though. Not at all. It feels like something I do because it's good for me on lots of levels.

In other other news...I've been checking out lots of women lately. I am not gay. I have been looking at body sizes. And what I'm realizing is that I'm delightfully average- smaller than average, maybe. There's no sense in freaking out over the fact that I'm not waif-thin. I want to figure out how to stop worrying about how my husband sees me (which is my biggest concern- not how I see myself).

Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous.

2 days to go. I don't know WHY the blogathon folks keep saying "It's over! It's over!"

Unless....

Shit. Was this a month of May thing, or a 30-day thing? I can't remember!

At least I have gotten into the habit of posting every day. I don't think that's the best course of action for what I want to do with my blog, though. I have other places to put random mind dribblings. This is supposed to be the "really struggling" or "holy shit! epiphany!" place.

I have to go back and check out the details on the blogathon now. In the meantime, I will say that I'm still having weird issues with wanting to eat the world. Could be anxiety about the upcoming test, could be PMS, could be anxiety about seeing old friends in a month, could be the new job, or whatever.

I would like to get into the habit of really searching for meaning in the words I choose. So, "wanting to eat the world" might mean something different from "wanting to eat everything in sight" or "wanting to nibble without stopping". What does it mean to want to "eat the world"? What do I REALLY want? Am I feeling like my world is sort of hollow, and needing to be filled? Could I be having a "what does it all mean?" crisis? That's entirely possible.

Or, it could be PMS. I just realized that I haven't taken a bath in weeks, and that needs to happen soon.

Ouch.

I am hurting. Just hurting in general. And my typical response to hurting is eating.

So, I'm going to go eat. Because I don't want to feel crampy and crummy all night.

That's about it. Is this month almost over?

Welcome to me journaling through a binge urge.

Ack. All I want to do is eat.

I had a fairly logical and good dinner. And then I went for a run, and then I came home and had a snack. Okay. And then I started grazing. I can tell I'm looking for SOMETHING, but I don't know what. And, since I'm not at all hungry, it's something that isn't food.

What do I want? What do I feel?

I feel sort of frustrated at nothing in general. I'm sort of irritated with my kid, and I'm feeling antsy about putting together a budget for our household, and I'm excited about the new job. I guess it's a lot of feelings. It's been a big and busy week. What I really want to do is sort of go hole myself up alone for a few hours, but I don't want my husband to feel neglected. So, how can I get that feeling of "getting away from it all" without getting away?

I could read. I might enjoy reading. I don't feel like doing it, but I could. And I need to get rid of this feeling of guilt for the munching that I did. Because feeling shitty about it isn't going to make it go away, and it's not going to take it back. So, I'm letting that go.

I also know that I want some sort of sweetness. I just asked my husband if we can snuggle a bit later. I think that will help.

I feel better. Never underestimate the power of journaling!

Woo-hoo!!!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!

Celebration tonight, but I still hope to run. I guess that makes me a runner now. :)

sick.

Fever and chills and other bad stuff. This is all you get from me today.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9