Day 1 is done!

If you recall, I started a scale-free challenge yesterday.

It's very odd- right when I woke up, I felt hungry. And my first thought (I never realized that I did this!) was, "Well, let's see what the scale says." I'm not joking. I was going to base my eating plans on whether I had gained or lost weight overnight- not on whether I was hungry or not, but on what the scale had to say about whether I deserved to eat or not.

I feel like I want to be more wordy and insightful, but I'm feeling honestly exhausted. Today was also day 2 of my Couch to 5k program, and day 2 of my pushup/situp training (I have to pass a fitness test in 3 weeks). I also had a color guard rehearsal (I'm getting more action as a color guard director than as a band director, by the way). My body feels very used, but very vital and happy. I smiled through much of my time outside today. But still, it's time for some rest.

Finding enough is finding balance.

I'm often accused of thinking too much. You can all go to hell. You're all right, but still, go to hell.

Okay, seriously now. I was thinking about my run, and how really very good I felt afterward. It is pretty telling that I worry about gaining an exercise addiction. I've never developed that before, even at times where it would have been a logical progression. But, I still thought about it a bit.

For some reason, I've been able to maintain balance with running when it's been part of my life and routine. It's something I enjoy for a number of reasons, and weight maintenance really isn't one of them. Which is odd. It's an escape from reality, but it's also a connection TO reality, if that makes sense. It's completely unlike food. I guess it's more like bathing (one of my favorite escapes)- in order to really bathe, you have to be totally attuned to the sensation of being in the water. It's different from food, too. I guess I'd have to call running and bathing connected escapes- or maybe escapes from unreality, because those are the things I can use to get away from the internal voices and criticisms.

Logically, it would follow that if running and bathing are physical activities that provide a connection to reality, food could, theoretically, become a similar activity. It's a sensory-rich activity. Eating mindfully IS connecting to self and to something outside of self. To take this thread further, I could suggest that eating mindfully could, maybe, be used as a coping strategy.

I'm not there yet. The idea is still incubating, and I'd like to come back to it later. But, it's interesting nonetheless.

Chocolate=what?

I want chocolate.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth employing. I'm tired of feeling worthless.

And, for some reason, feeling this sort of despair makes me want chocolate. I wonder if it's the cold, and its ability to numb my brain. I wonder if it's the sugar and fat and the feeling of fullness taking my focus off of real life.

I'm not sure if I'm going to get ice cream or not. If I do, I'll be aware that I am eating it, at least.

Edited to add: It's been a couple of hours, and I had to make a decision. I was tired of feeling sad, and there really wasn't much I could do because, dammit, it was logical for me to be sad! But, I didn't want to spend the whole night feeling like this, and I'd rather not eat if I'm not hungry. Food isn't going to give me a job, you know?

So, I went for a run. Or, a walk interrupted by brief periods of running. And I listened to music. And as if by divine miracle, Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" came on. I smiled, and cried a bit, and ran. And sweated. I enjoy moving my body, and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed pounding the pavement.

Now all I want is a shower...and maybe to listen to a little more Bob Marley.