Sunday, October 10, 2010

This isn't good.

I need to quit smoking. I just caught my son (he's 5) pretending to "smoke". We constantly talk to him about how bad it is, but we've got to stop.

And that scares me. I'm not sure how to cope with work stress without it. I need ideas. I've added a lot of stress-reduction things to my life (pedicures, meditation, baths, deep breathing), but none of those things do what smoking does, especially when I leave work and I'm ready to rip the car door off of the hinges. Seriously- I get SO frustrated at work sometimes, and there's nothing I can do to change the nature of my job. This is even with all of the positive thinking stuff I've incorporated; without those things, I probably would have had a nervous breakdown by now. I'm not joking, and I don't take mental breakdowns seriously.

So, I need suggestions on QUICK and effective things I can do to help chill out when I'm ready to scream and I hate life. Help?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Where have I been?

I have been hating my life. Hating my job, hating watching other people succeed while I beat my head against a wall with disinterested kids and unsupportive administrators. And I've been eating. And smoking. The last part may be a surprise to some people who read this, and hopefully they'll be understanding and forgiving.

I started working with a therapist a little while ago, and the main thing I wanted to work on was quitting smoking. I HAVE cut my smoking in half, which is good (I'm very black-and-white, all-or-nothing, so it's weird to look at this as a "success", but whatever). The therapist, however, wants to focus on my eating. I can report that, while I haven't binged in recent memory, I have been consuming more. Here are some things I noticed during/after the last appointment with the therapist.

1. I am extremely uncomfortable listing the foods I eat. She asks me for examples of what I am eating when I say that I "overeat". And I have trouble recalling specifics. I know that, if I was talking to someone else, it would be easier. I think part of it is because it feels like I'm focusing on dumb details, but I suspect that most of it is because listing my food feels like a diet. I need to bring that up with her next time.

2. I am having trouble balancing between accepting that there are just going to be some days where the only thing that will make me feel better is mashed potatoes or a creamy soup (food acceptance), and being overly permissive and understanding (mindless indulgence), and being overly critical of ANY eating that is not meant for sustenance (restriction). I think it may be helpful to work on "self-parenting", or creating a self-dialogue where I speak to myself as if I was my son. I wouldn't DREAM of harping on my son because he wants ice cream, nor would I allow him to eat six ice cream cones. Neither is healthy for him. I need to learn how to automatically default my self-talk to this sort of caring concern.

3. We're focusing on the wrong damned thing in therapy! Well, not really. We do spend time every session working on coming up with ideas of healthy ways to cope with stress. And I generally give myself homework at the end of every appointment (I'm a star pupil, ha!). But, I think I would like her to give me more suggestions on day-to-day stress management, especially for the times when I'm in the car and I feel like smashing something.

Still haven't weighed myself, by the way. I can tell that the increase in consumption (I also have been noticing that I'm naturally referring to overeating in more detatched and clinical terms, which is probably a very good thing) is creating more weight, but I also recognize that this will eventually work itself out. I generally have a positive self-image. And that is a good thing.

And no matter what, I'm going to survive through this year of school. They ain't makin' it easy, but I'm a stubborn, tough broad. And I'm stuck in a contract. :)