Friday, August 6, 2010

Guess what happens when I eat whatever, whenever I want?

I can tell you what DIDN'T happen.

1. I didn't automatically gain a million pounds.
2. The world did not end.
3. I did not continue to eat until I had consumed the entire world.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I wish I had known...

I had a doctor's appointment, and was weighed. I tried really, REALLY hard to not pay attention, but the nurse told me the number. And really, it wasn't awful.

It was enough to trigger a two-day binge. Even though the scale wasn't that bad. Even though the weight actually made sense. Even though my clothing felt like it fit just fine. I ignored my body, and became obsessed with the scale again.

No more. I'm not doing this anymore. Even the fact that I need to be weighed for my fitness test can be avoided- I can have a monitor manipulate the scale and ask that the results be hidden from me. I can't keep destroying myself because of what a piece of metal tells me.

In frustration, I purchased "Intuitive Eating". So far, it seems to be a more clinical version of Geneen Roth's stuff. I like it. A lot. So, out of all of this, I've gained a new tool and learned an important lesson about the scale. Any weight can be lost again. And at least my binges almost exclusively consisted of things I WANTED to eat!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Maybe Geneen is right, after all

Every one of Geneen Roth's books talks about using fat as a way to avoid intimacy. And I'm always like, "No way, Geneen; I'm happy with my relationship and my sexuality."

And then I started eating today, and definitely didn't stop when I was full (yesterday, either). It's as if I started eating as soon as I got back from tour. So...does this mean that I'm afraid of intimacy with my husband?

No, I don't think so. Here's where I'm at with this...I think this has something to do with my sexuality and other people. So...if I stay overweight, I don't have to worry about other people finding me attractive. I think it's BECAUSE I'm infatuated with my husband that I want to be undesirable to other guys. So, that's good, in a way- it tells me that I really am secure in my relationship and that I want to stay with him.

But, I don't want to keep using fat in this way! I know that I can (and do) use my personality to create distance between myself and other people. Why would I want to create a physical barrier, as well? Why would I need one? Does anyone have any thoughts?