Chocolate=what?

I want chocolate.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth employing. I'm tired of feeling worthless.

And, for some reason, feeling this sort of despair makes me want chocolate. I wonder if it's the cold, and its ability to numb my brain. I wonder if it's the sugar and fat and the feeling of fullness taking my focus off of real life.

I'm not sure if I'm going to get ice cream or not. If I do, I'll be aware that I am eating it, at least.

Edited to add: It's been a couple of hours, and I had to make a decision. I was tired of feeling sad, and there really wasn't much I could do because, dammit, it was logical for me to be sad! But, I didn't want to spend the whole night feeling like this, and I'd rather not eat if I'm not hungry. Food isn't going to give me a job, you know?

So, I went for a run. Or, a walk interrupted by brief periods of running. And I listened to music. And as if by divine miracle, Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" came on. I smiled, and cried a bit, and ran. And sweated. I enjoy moving my body, and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed pounding the pavement.

Now all I want is a shower...and maybe to listen to a little more Bob Marley.

Had a thought about that last post

Here I am, all Eeyore-y and mopey. Because I didn't get a call for an interview.

Once again, I am letting a situation outside of my control dictate my emotions. I think that's valid (it's something I wanted, and I'm not getting it. It's normal to feel let-down when that happens). But, I want to learn how to change my reaction to "not getting what I want".

What I'm really doing is allowing this perceived failure define my self- in other words, I am choosing to believe that without a job, I don't have value. Or that I am not getting a call because I am flawed at my core. I know that's not true (although I still don't know why they're not calling me). I don't have to know the circumstances to know that I still have value.

Okay...now I just have to learn how to believe that! Writing it down helps, but I guess it will take a lot of re-organizing my reactions to make the believing part happen naturally.

Edited to add: So, I had a little mope-fest; curling up in bed and leaking a bit. I realized that the lack of an interview is confirming my deeply-held belief that I am not a very good teacher, and that them NOT calling is a sign that they figured it out. There are dozens of logical rebuttals to that belief, but I've held it for a long time.

And that's why the demotion hurt so badly. It was a very real verdict on my abilities. They pt the other guy in charge specifically because he said that he was more qualified. All the logic and facts in the world did not matter- they deemed me unfit, and made their decisions. It would be nice to get rid of that feeling.