Monday, June 28, 2010


I want chocolate.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth employing. I'm tired of feeling worthless.

And, for some reason, feeling this sort of despair makes me want chocolate. I wonder if it's the cold, and its ability to numb my brain. I wonder if it's the sugar and fat and the feeling of fullness taking my focus off of real life.

I'm not sure if I'm going to get ice cream or not. If I do, I'll be aware that I am eating it, at least.

Edited to add: It's been a couple of hours, and I had to make a decision. I was tired of feeling sad, and there really wasn't much I could do because, dammit, it was logical for me to be sad! But, I didn't want to spend the whole night feeling like this, and I'd rather not eat if I'm not hungry. Food isn't going to give me a job, you know?

So, I went for a run. Or, a walk interrupted by brief periods of running. And I listened to music. And as if by divine miracle, Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" came on. I smiled, and cried a bit, and ran. And sweated. I enjoy moving my body, and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed pounding the pavement.

Now all I want is a shower...and maybe to listen to a little more Bob Marley.

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