Sunday, January 30, 2011

Self-indulgent, and possibly triggery.

I think it's wise for me to start out mentioning that this post may include triggers. It's definitely going to include a lot of negative self-talk, and I think that's bad for everyone.

In short, perhaps no one should read this.

I've had a couple of bingeing episodes in the past few months. I'm in the middle of a pretty significant one. This is very clearly different from the last ones. Usually, binges can be characterized by what is fueling or triggering them. And usually, my binges are brought on by a lot of stress or anxiety. This one is no different.

Except, this one also has a completely self-punishing aspect to it. I feel like I totally deserve to be hurting myself with food.

(journaling now) I think this happened for two reasons: First of all, I spent the week at a conference around a lot of people that I haven't seen in a year or more, some people who I see regularly who are much thinner than me, and some total strangers who are definitely younger and thinner and generally prettier and more awesome people, I imagine. Also, I spent three days in a uniform that was, without question, too small for me. It wasn't mine- I accidentally left my uniform at home. But being stuffed into a skirt that is about one size too small is a constant reminder that I'm utterly FAILING at this whole intuitive eating thing. Because if I was doing it right, I wouldn't be this size.

I've also been very tempted to weigh myself. I know it'll trigger either a binge or a total departure from IE and a crash diet, but the temptation is still there.

So. At least I know what probably caused this binge. I don't feel any better, though. At least I can (hopefully, as long as it's safe to be outside) get back to running tomorrow, and maybe that will help.

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