Writing through a food urge

I'm sitting here playing on the internet, and I realized that I was having a serious craving for the leftover spaghetti in the fridge. I'm not super hungry (although I feel like I'm starting to maybe get a little hungry). This is very obviously "head hunger", which means that something is going on. I don't all of a sudden want to eat, especially warm carbs, unless there's something wrong.

So. I'm also noticing that I feel a little emotional, and there's a little lump in my throat. I feel a little like I'm going to cry. What's that all about? I've been having a little bit of "happy sad" today, because my son turns six tomorrow. I don't know why 6 is a big deal, except that he's a year older, and he's looking more like a big boy, and I'm really enjoying his company. It's mom blubbering, I guess.

I've also been really down on my physical shape lately. While I've been almost internally boastful about my face and hair (I've been spending a ridiculously large amount of time preening in the mirror, I'm ashamed to say), I've also noticed a resurgence in negative self-talk regarding my weight and size. It hasn't been very nice. And really, I'm not sure how to be kind to myself regarding the parts of my body that I WANT to change without starting to fixate on them. And that worries me.

Oh, and I quit smoking 8 days ago. That might have something to do with both my weight AND my emotions.

But mostly, I feel like my body can't possibly be what my husband wants to look at. I feel like I can't be appealing to him and I feel really unsexy. I know that he really doesn't care, but I do. I don't feel like a sex symbol, and I've got this idea in my head that I have to be physically perfect in order to be desirable. I feel like he's looking at other women and then coming home to me and thinking, "What the hell am I here for?"

I may still be hungry, but I don't feel as desperate to eat now. I'll see how I feel in a few. But writing really helps.

Quitting update

It's been a few minutes past 4 smoke-free days. And I can honestly say that this has been the easiest quit I've ever done. I did notice a few really uncomfortable days, but nothing that made me feel like I was "dying", which has been a pretty typical internal response to quitting in the past.

So, what's different this time?

I know that I was extremely prepared for the quit. I had relaxation strategies in place months before the quit occurred, and I was already thinking about long-term plans while I was still smoking. I did a LOT of extra preparing work this time.

I believe that the work with Intuitive Eating and Breaking Free have also done so much good for my entire self, and that this work transcends my dietary or physical health. I feel grounded- I feel like I am living much more "in the present", instead of fretting over the past or freaking out about the future. I'm much more likely to read feelings realistically, instead of building them up into something irrational and insane.

I wish I had known all of this was possible years ago.

Here we go...

I expect that I will be posting a LOT more in the next few days. Because I quit smoking. About 2 hours.

Is there anyone out there complaining that I post too much about things that aren't diet or food related? Well, screw you. EVERYTHING is diet or food related, I've found. And oh, yeah, I forgot that no one reads this!

Anyway.

You know the feeling you get when you get on a really big and intimidating in a I-know-everyone-told-me-this-is-the-best-ride-ever-but-holy-shit-I'm-going-to-die way type of roller coaster? That's how I feel right now. I'm having that same butterflies in the stomach, thinking that there's a pretty good chance that I will die as a result of this, wanting to do ANYTHING I can to get off of the ride feeling.

Except that I'm obviously not going to die from quitting smoking. And I'm also extremely prone to melodrama.

I do like the roller coaster metaphor for one reason: no matter what, no matter how freaking scary the ride is, it's over before you know it. And because I've quit smoking a zillion times before, I know that I've got about 3 very bad days ahead of me, followed by 4 more crappy days, and then 7 less-than-perfect days, and then I'll be okay. I can do 2 weeks of anything. It's literally a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, and continuing to plod forward.

Sort of like navigating the diet-free life. See- it is all related.

As a quick aside, I wanted to mention that I've started using the tools at www.stayquit.co.uk as a way to design my post-smoking life. I wish there was a way to change time zone and currency, but other than that, I like the journaling and "homework", and it's great that the focus there is long-term. I believe it will help.

Well, hello!

Back from the Thanksgiving holiday. Here is what I have learned:

1. I am extremely thankful for my teeny-tiny immediate family. I think that the three of us (my husband, my son, and myself) are a wonderfully tight and functional family unit. It's interesting to parallel that to the extended family dynamic, and to the immediate families that exist within the larger family.

2. I am completely capable of avoiding overeating- or at least, avoiding eating past the point of "full". I don't recall stuffing myself at all over the course of the travel days.

3. I'm still not sure why I eat so much, or why I eat large amounts without feeling super full. Maybe I'm misreading satiety cues, or maybe I just need more energy in general. I do know that I still fit into the clothing I was wearing when I stopped weighing myself at the beginning of this blog. But, they're not looser- which means that I'm eating enough to satisfy this current size. That leads me to think that I'm still eating for my mind, at least at times. But I'm okay with that. It's progress.

4. "Overstarching" (too many white carbs with little else) is very, very bad for my digestive system. I spent Friday night and Saturday in extreme, terrible pain. I may need to start traveling with whole-grain snacks in order to keep this from happening. Then again, this probably won't be an issue in 99% of situations, so maybe I need to plan ahead better in the future based on what I know the menu will look like.

5. I quit smoking tomorrow. I have a pretty decent plan in place. The biggest thing I've had to respect is that I will probably eat more while I'm dealing with withdrawal crap, and I need to be okay with that. It will be temporary. And I'll end up being fine afterward.

Struggling again.

I've been binging (or overeating) for the past two days.

I promised my therapist that I would try to find the causes of my binges (or overeating episodes, since these do not technically qualify as binges) at the time that they occur. Here is what I'm realizing:

1. I am extremely stressed and frustrated. Work is awful. Maybe even worse than awful.

2. I am in serious need of self-care and haven't been doing the pampering that I had been doing (baths, pedicures).

3. I am EXTREMELY nervous about quitting smoking. My quit date is coming up in 11 days. I'm afraid of having to fight through withdrawals. Because they suck.

So, there it is.

This isn't good.

I need to quit smoking. I just caught my son (he's 5) pretending to "smoke". We constantly talk to him about how bad it is, but we've got to stop.

And that scares me. I'm not sure how to cope with work stress without it. I need ideas. I've added a lot of stress-reduction things to my life (pedicures, meditation, baths, deep breathing), but none of those things do what smoking does, especially when I leave work and I'm ready to rip the car door off of the hinges. Seriously- I get SO frustrated at work sometimes, and there's nothing I can do to change the nature of my job. This is even with all of the positive thinking stuff I've incorporated; without those things, I probably would have had a nervous breakdown by now. I'm not joking, and I don't take mental breakdowns seriously.

So, I need suggestions on QUICK and effective things I can do to help chill out when I'm ready to scream and I hate life. Help?

Where have I been?

I have been hating my life. Hating my job, hating watching other people succeed while I beat my head against a wall with disinterested kids and unsupportive administrators. And I've been eating. And smoking. The last part may be a surprise to some people who read this, and hopefully they'll be understanding and forgiving.

I started working with a therapist a little while ago, and the main thing I wanted to work on was quitting smoking. I HAVE cut my smoking in half, which is good (I'm very black-and-white, all-or-nothing, so it's weird to look at this as a "success", but whatever). The therapist, however, wants to focus on my eating. I can report that, while I haven't binged in recent memory, I have been consuming more. Here are some things I noticed during/after the last appointment with the therapist.

1. I am extremely uncomfortable listing the foods I eat. She asks me for examples of what I am eating when I say that I "overeat". And I have trouble recalling specifics. I know that, if I was talking to someone else, it would be easier. I think part of it is because it feels like I'm focusing on dumb details, but I suspect that most of it is because listing my food feels like a diet. I need to bring that up with her next time.

2. I am having trouble balancing between accepting that there are just going to be some days where the only thing that will make me feel better is mashed potatoes or a creamy soup (food acceptance), and being overly permissive and understanding (mindless indulgence), and being overly critical of ANY eating that is not meant for sustenance (restriction). I think it may be helpful to work on "self-parenting", or creating a self-dialogue where I speak to myself as if I was my son. I wouldn't DREAM of harping on my son because he wants ice cream, nor would I allow him to eat six ice cream cones. Neither is healthy for him. I need to learn how to automatically default my self-talk to this sort of caring concern.

3. We're focusing on the wrong damned thing in therapy! Well, not really. We do spend time every session working on coming up with ideas of healthy ways to cope with stress. And I generally give myself homework at the end of every appointment (I'm a star pupil, ha!). But, I think I would like her to give me more suggestions on day-to-day stress management, especially for the times when I'm in the car and I feel like smashing something.

Still haven't weighed myself, by the way. I can tell that the increase in consumption (I also have been noticing that I'm naturally referring to overeating in more detatched and clinical terms, which is probably a very good thing) is creating more weight, but I also recognize that this will eventually work itself out. I generally have a positive self-image. And that is a good thing.

And no matter what, I'm going to survive through this year of school. They ain't makin' it easy, but I'm a stubborn, tough broad. And I'm stuck in a contract. :)