Monday, December 6, 2010

Writing through a food urge

I'm sitting here playing on the internet, and I realized that I was having a serious craving for the leftover spaghetti in the fridge. I'm not super hungry (although I feel like I'm starting to maybe get a little hungry). This is very obviously "head hunger", which means that something is going on. I don't all of a sudden want to eat, especially warm carbs, unless there's something wrong.

So. I'm also noticing that I feel a little emotional, and there's a little lump in my throat. I feel a little like I'm going to cry. What's that all about? I've been having a little bit of "happy sad" today, because my son turns six tomorrow. I don't know why 6 is a big deal, except that he's a year older, and he's looking more like a big boy, and I'm really enjoying his company. It's mom blubbering, I guess.

I've also been really down on my physical shape lately. While I've been almost internally boastful about my face and hair (I've been spending a ridiculously large amount of time preening in the mirror, I'm ashamed to say), I've also noticed a resurgence in negative self-talk regarding my weight and size. It hasn't been very nice. And really, I'm not sure how to be kind to myself regarding the parts of my body that I WANT to change without starting to fixate on them. And that worries me.

Oh, and I quit smoking 8 days ago. That might have something to do with both my weight AND my emotions.

But mostly, I feel like my body can't possibly be what my husband wants to look at. I feel like I can't be appealing to him and I feel really unsexy. I know that he really doesn't care, but I do. I don't feel like a sex symbol, and I've got this idea in my head that I have to be physically perfect in order to be desirable. I feel like he's looking at other women and then coming home to me and thinking, "What the hell am I here for?"

I may still be hungry, but I don't feel as desperate to eat now. I'll see how I feel in a few. But writing really helps.

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