Sunday, April 3, 2011

too important to wait

I'm having to use the voice to text program on my phone because I do not wanna forget what I was just thinking. I was listening to Geneen Roth's cds and doing the meditation on the bite by bite disk 1.

I realize that I have been eating as a major distraction tool from all of the anxiety of that I've been feeling and that's a fact of the eating I end up feeling so the small and powerless.

I actually think that feeling is working for me because when I feel powerless it means I don't have to do anything to try to deal with the anxiety or the problems. so that feeling of not doing and feeling powerless is actually a result that I sort of want.
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1 comment:

  1. To clarify:

    I have been spending a LOT of time feeling very anxious lately. And I eat in order to distract myself from that, or to "remove myself" from the feelings.

    Not dealing with the anxiety, and not sitting with the feelings when they come up, is leaving me feeling very powerless.

    And I think this is "working for me" in a way. I think that the feeling of powerlessness cripples me in a very convenient way.

    When I have no power, I don't act. And when I don't get things done, there's less risk. If I do a poor job, I can blame it on procrastination. And if it turns out GOOD and no one cares (or they criticize and tear me apart, like my dad does), I can tell myself that it really wasn't very good. Putting forth effort creates a real risk.