Heh. My boyfriend told me that I have regular and predictable times when I'm affected by the affair.
He was totally right.
I don't feel like including a song, because I'm nearly over this (apparently regularly scheduled) cycle of bad feelings. But, I did think it was worthwhile to post an update, if for no other reason than to establish the timeline of (what I hope is) recovery and "moving on".
Last week, I started feeling generally shitty and fat and old and pretty much worthless. Fortunately, I recognized it pretty quickly as residual issues from the affair. And then, I told my ex about how I was still hurting, and we had a sucky and painful conversation in which he became immediately defensive, and then I bawled, and then he felt bad. So, sort of like the marriage.
Anyway, then we went to see Dark Knight last week. Great, great movie, by the way. But, there's a certain actress in the movie who looks remarkably like a certain person who a certain ex husband had sex with:
and yeah, it sort of took me by surprise. Because there were certain scenes where they looked fucking identical. It's interesting how many things come up in life that are reminders of the affair.
Okay. Yes, I certainly have more restraint than I give myself credit for. Or I have a penchant for melodrama. Or I'm a weenie who couldn't inflict physical pain on someone else intentionally.
But if I could, I would today.
Someone shared this song with me when I first found out about my soon-to-be-ex's affair. And I thought I got it. I thought it was all about, "Ha-ha, you thought you were getting off easy, but you're a douchebag tool who is doomed to be miserable, and I'm going to be fine. And I am fine. And my life is going to rock. Dick."
I get it now. Ms. Palmer, I understand. You're not a liar, but you're a sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, brave-faced bitch.
I remember the third-to-last thing my ex said to me tonight. There were other parts of the conversation, but everything after that memorable statement is sort of a red, hazy blur. We were talking about his jealousy issues with his current girlfriend (read: the jealousy issues that have probably been present since he was born), and he was bothered by her going to spend time with a guy friend who was having a rough time. He recognized that this discomfort was irrational. Good. He's learning. But, he said that one piece of advice he gave her was:
"Don't over-console him. Because that's how you women are, wanting to comfort and being there when he's vulnerable..."
FUCK. YOU. I absolutely refuse to be lumped into the category of people who would do that. Because I didn't. The girl who he chose to have sex with while he was married to me did that. And goddammit, I'm not going to let him get off so easy as to suggest that he was persuaded to go astray by a red-headed temptress. Please.
It's BULLSHIT. It's a lie. And I won't buy it.
Anyway, the song. So. She's not okay. She's not on fire. And neither am I. I'm hurting, and hurting badly. I feel like I've been ripped open...again. I know that we're apparently only allowed to feel so much hurt at once, so that our brains don't explode, or something, but I really wish I could be done being blindsided by fits of agonizing emotional pain. Yeah, agony covers it.
I had this whole, beautiful, perfect stream of anger ready in my brain, and I knew that when I sat down at the computer it was going to be cathartic and I was going to feel better. And the second I started typing, it dissolved, and I'm sitting here shaking and nauseous and feeling very, very broken. And I hate that he did what he did. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like it's not ever going to get better.
I don't know what else to say. Anger would be easier, I think.
I seem to live my life in a constant micro/macrocosm way of thinking. There will be an issue, or a topic, that gets into my brain, and it infects. Everything.
What I'm learning is that there are only a handful of really major, recurrent themes, and then there are smaller issues that branch from those themes, and all of it manifests in different ways in every area of my life.
And, while that makes me sound like an absolute headcase (and I won't complain about that accusation!), I suspect that the same is true for most people. There are scripts that we learn as kids, and we desperately try to stick with them until we die. Because there's comfort in familiarity. Even if it's painful or confusing or difficult, it's what we know. It's home.
Anyway. This song is linked to one of my two big issues (the other one is fear of abandonment). I have a compulsive fear of not being accepted. (HA! I just realized that both of those are linked to one, huge, overarching fear of rejection. See- journaling does work.) In any event, this feeling of not fitting in isn't anything new. This feeling of not belonging where I am isn't anything new. This feeling of not being "right" isn't anything new.
I wonder what happens when you name your demons in real life. In stupid kid stories about witches and evil spirits, when you name the demons, they go away. Or they become corporeal and can be killed. Somehow, I doubt things are that simple in real life. And NOTHING is simple when you're a grown-up.
So let's see. Abandonment, I name you. Lack of acceptance, I name you, too. And rejection, I name you. Does anything change? Am I better now? Doesn't feel like I've cast anything out.
Now, I need ideas. Once the problems are named, something needs to happen, and the problems need to be addressed. (No. Therapy, not an option. If it was going to help, it would have helped by now.) I mean, I'm smart, I'm obscenely insightful, and I think more than any person that I've ever met (even more than my boyfriend. Yes. Truth). I should be able to figure out a process to address and eventually exile these fears. Right?
I heard this cover a while back, and loved it. I've always said that I can identify with this song- with the feeling of being obscenely alien and wrong. Today is one of those days when I just feel wrong.
My therapist sent me a couple of articles and I finally read them today. I ended up feeling mostly sad and angry. For starters, one of the suggestions was "don't get into a new relationship right away". And no matter how much I feel like my boyfriend is an amazing person who is very right for me (and wow, I can't even begin to express how blown away I was by how wonderfully last entry's issues were resolved- the man really is very, very adept at communicating with me in a way that leaves me feeling heard, understood, and appreciated), I still end up feeling sort of guilty when I hear things like that. Because you're NOT supposed to just "rebound" into something new.
Even if the person is right.
That seems sort of stupid, but universally preached. I wonder what you all think about that.
The second thing that irritated me about the articles was that the focus was on the relationship between the cheater and the one who was betrayed, and more specifically, on how to repair the relationship. Well, that sucks and hurts. I WANTED to repair the relationship. He didn't. And, when it comes down to it, he used the affair as a way to force me out of the marriage.
He wanted to be divorced so badly that he did the single most hurtful thing imaginable.
At work today, someone brought food. I already had a lunch, but I ate anyway. That's been a trend- if it's there, I'll eat it. And I'm engaging in some of my old, familiar, destructive habits (hiding, sneaking, sometimes lying about food). I was thinking about that on the way home, and realized that I feel a bit like I need to eat it while it's there, before someone else takes it. And like I'm entitled to it. And like it's going to be gone if I don't move in and take it while I can.
Even with food, I have abandonment issues.
Another thing: I was supposed to have dinner with the person my ex had the affair with (I'll call her CLS, for sentimental reasons). And, as I feared, she hasn't responded today, so I'm guessing that's not going to happen. I'm feeling really sad about this. It's another rejection. I feel like she did a whole lot to gain my forgiveness, and now that she feels like she has it, I'm not worth the effort. I feel duped and stupid.
There may be a balance that needs to be struck between kind, loving words and kind, selfless action.
My ex was very, very good at doing things for me. Still is. But, he almost always wants acknowledgement of how much of a "good guy" he is.
My boyfriend showers me with affection of all kinds. But, he's (by his own admission) sort of lazy and unmotivated. I can't count on him to do things in the way that my ex will. So, this may be another thing that I have to get used to being different.
And I'm okay with that. I'm good with self-reliance (and I like having my independence). But it feels weird. I've grown used to translating acts of service with love. It wasn't the thing I would have preferred (and my boyfriend's methods of showing me he loves me are perfectly suited for what I want), but it was what I knew.
Growing pains. That's all. I hope I'm able to figure out how to talk to him about this without hurting him.
I started thinking about the idea of starting each blog entry with a song that has been floating around in my head at the time that I write. And this one got into my head today.
I can't even remember what I wrote in my last blog entry. But I do know that two weeks after writing it, I found out my (future ex) husband had an affair. With one of the people in the world that I trusted above all others.
And it killed me. It absolutely killed me. Sucked my soul right out of my body. Yes, I knew things weren't going well, and yes, I knew he wasn't happy. I didn't see this coming. Not for a second. And not with her. Never with her.
So, anyway. I have a boyfriend. He is wonderful. I love him with all of my heart, and he believes everything about me that my future ex never could. He sees and accepts me the way I am.
Oh, and this blog will probably become much more stream-of-consciousness. I hope that's okay.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Since my mom died over a decade ago, I've always struggled with this day. I think a lot of my problems with grieving came from her death. I want to spend the day with my son tomorrow, and my future ex suggested going to the zoo. It would be me, my son, my future ex, my boyfriend, and the ex's girlfriend. I know that sounds weird, but it works. Except that my boyfriend is tired and doesn't really want to go, but he knows I want to go, and he's insisting that it's okay to go.
But I don't want to go if he's going to be miserable. I don't know if it's because I'm used to just wanting everyone to be happy, or if it's because I'm afraid he's going to be cranky, or because I'm used to hearing that things are "okay" when they really aren't, or what. But now, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all. And that sucks. And I feel like, for once, I want to just be selfish and not worry about what everyone else wants to do. I've had a fucking shitty week at work, and I want one day where I get whatever I want. That sounds awful, writing it out. But it's what I am thinking.
Oh, and boyfriend's roommate proposed to his girlfriend tonight. They were engaged before, but broke it off, and then got back together. I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and his lack of response was weird. I don't know why. He said something to the effect of, "Well, they were engaged before, so it's not really a big deal."
I'm sitting here thinking, it would be a big deal to me. Because there is something drastically different between how you feel as a girlfriend and how you feel as a fiancee. Yes, I know the world offers no promises, but that's about as close as any of us hope to get (well, marriage is, at least in my opinion).
I miss being married. I miss having the comfort of that promise. I really miss it a lot. And my boyfriend's flippant remark bothered me. It feels like he doesn't understand what I lost when I lost the marriage. I've explained the best I can, but I don't think he gets it. And he may not, not ever. I choose to be okay with this.
I was griping about my ex the other day because he seems to have unrealistic expectations for his girlfriend. And I have to wonder- am I starting to get like that? It doesn't feel like it, but damn, I feel like I'm forgiving a lot of things that would probably bother me if I allowed them to bother me. Like, he came over tonight, and while I was playing a game, he fell asleep. But he worked all day. How douchey is it of me to get irked by that?
I feel sort of like a huge asshole, and I also feel sort of like a stupid pushover. I don't know. I feel like a miserable mess tonight, and I know that a lot of it has to do with my mom, and with work stress, and with a million other things that have nothing to do with him. But how much of that is just an excuse? And how much should I expect perfection from him, when he so readily and happily accepts me the way I am, with all of my faults?
