Saturday, May 12, 2012


I'm back.

I started thinking about the idea of starting each blog entry with a song that has been floating around in my head at the time that I write.  And this one got into my head today.

I can't even remember what I wrote in my last blog entry.  But I do know that two weeks after writing it, I found out my (future ex) husband had an affair.  With one of the people in the world that I trusted above all others.

And it killed me.  It absolutely killed me.  Sucked my soul right out of my body.  Yes, I knew things weren't going well, and yes, I knew he wasn't happy.  I didn't see this coming.  Not for a second.  And not with her.  Never with her.

So, anyway.  I have a boyfriend.  He is wonderful.  I love him with all of my heart, and he believes everything about me that my future ex never could.  He sees and accepts me the way I am.

Oh, and this blog will probably become much more stream-of-consciousness.  I hope that's okay.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Since my mom died over a decade ago, I've always struggled with this day.  I think a lot of my problems with grieving came from her death.  I want to spend the day with my son tomorrow, and my future ex suggested going to the zoo.  It would be me, my son, my future ex, my boyfriend, and the ex's girlfriend.  I know that sounds weird, but it works.  Except that my boyfriend is tired and doesn't really want to go, but he knows I want to go, and he's insisting that it's okay to go.

But I don't want to go if he's going to be miserable.  I don't know if it's because I'm used to just wanting everyone to be happy, or if it's because I'm afraid he's going to be cranky, or because I'm used to hearing that things are "okay" when they really aren't, or what.  But now, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all.  And that sucks.  And I feel like, for once, I want to just be selfish and not worry about what everyone else wants to do.  I've had a fucking shitty week at work, and I want one day where I get whatever I want.  That sounds awful, writing it out.  But it's what I am thinking.

Oh, and boyfriend's roommate proposed to his girlfriend tonight.  They were engaged before, but broke it off, and then got back together.  I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and his lack of response was weird.  I don't know why.  He said something to the effect of, "Well, they were engaged before, so it's not really a big deal."

I'm sitting here thinking, it would be a big deal to me.  Because there is something drastically different between how you feel as a girlfriend and how you feel as a fiancee.   Yes, I know the world offers no promises, but that's about as close as any of us hope to get (well, marriage is, at least in my opinion).

I miss being married.  I miss having the comfort of that promise.  I really miss it a lot.  And my boyfriend's flippant remark bothered me.  It feels like he doesn't understand what I lost when I lost the marriage.  I've explained the best I can, but I don't think he gets it.  And he may not, not ever.  I choose to be okay with this.

I was griping about my ex the other day because he seems to have unrealistic expectations for his girlfriend.  And I have to wonder- am I starting to get like that?  It doesn't feel like it, but damn, I feel like I'm forgiving a lot of things that would probably bother me if I allowed them to bother me.  Like, he came over tonight, and while I was playing a game, he fell asleep.  But he worked all day.  How douchey is it of me to get irked by that?

I feel sort of like a huge asshole, and I also feel sort of like a stupid pushover.  I don't know.  I feel like a miserable mess tonight, and I know that a lot of it has to do with my mom, and with work stress, and with a million other things that have nothing to do with him.  But how much of that is just an excuse?  And how much should I expect perfection from him, when he so readily and happily accepts me the way I am, with all of my faults?

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