Thursday, May 17, 2012


I heard this cover a while back, and loved it.  I've always said that I can identify with this song- with the feeling of being obscenely alien and wrong.  Today is one of those days when I just feel wrong.

My therapist sent me a couple of articles and I finally read them today.  I ended up feeling mostly sad and angry.  For starters, one of the suggestions was "don't get into a new relationship right away".  And no matter how much I feel like my boyfriend is an amazing person who is very right for me (and wow, I can't even begin to express how blown away I was by how wonderfully last entry's issues were resolved- the man really is very, very adept at communicating with me in a way that leaves me feeling heard, understood, and appreciated), I still end up feeling sort of guilty when I hear things like that.  Because you're NOT supposed to just "rebound" into something new.

Even if the person is right.

That seems sort of stupid, but universally preached.  I wonder what you all think about that.

The second thing that irritated me about the articles was that the focus was on the relationship between the cheater and the one who was betrayed, and more specifically, on how to repair the relationship.  Well, that sucks and hurts.  I WANTED to repair the relationship.  He didn't.  And, when it comes down to it, he used the affair as a way to force me out of the marriage.

He wanted to be divorced so badly that he did the single most hurtful thing imaginable.

At work today, someone brought food.  I already had a lunch, but I ate anyway.  That's been a trend- if it's there, I'll eat it.  And I'm engaging in some of my old, familiar, destructive habits (hiding, sneaking, sometimes lying about food).  I was thinking about that on the way home, and realized that I feel a bit like I need to eat it while it's there, before someone else takes it.  And like I'm entitled to it.  And like it's going to be gone if I don't move in and take it while I can.

Even with food, I have abandonment issues.

Another thing:  I was supposed to have dinner with the person my ex had the affair with (I'll call her CLS, for sentimental reasons).  And, as I feared, she hasn't responded today, so I'm guessing that's not going to happen.  I'm feeling really sad about this.  It's another rejection.  I feel like she did a whole lot to gain my forgiveness, and now that she feels like she has it, I'm not worth the effort.  I feel duped and stupid.

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