Saturday, May 26, 2012

No. Not there yet.

Heard this yesterday.

I seem to live my life in a constant micro/macrocosm way of thinking.  There will be an issue, or a topic, that gets into my brain, and it infects.  Everything.

What I'm learning is that there are only a handful of really major, recurrent themes, and then there are smaller issues that branch from those themes, and all of it manifests in different ways in every area of my life.

And, while that makes me sound like an absolute headcase (and I won't complain about that accusation!), I suspect that the same is true for most people.  There are scripts that we learn as kids, and we desperately try to stick with them until we die.  Because there's comfort in familiarity.  Even if it's painful or confusing or difficult, it's what we know.  It's home.

Anyway.  This song is linked to one of my two big issues (the other one is fear of abandonment).  I have a compulsive fear of not being accepted.  (HA!  I just realized that both of those are linked to one, huge, overarching fear of rejection.  See- journaling does work.)  In any event, this feeling of not fitting in isn't anything new.  This feeling of not belonging where I am isn't anything new.  This feeling of not being "right" isn't anything new.

I wonder what happens when you name your demons in real life.  In stupid kid stories about witches and evil spirits, when you name the demons, they go away.  Or they become corporeal and can be killed.  Somehow, I doubt things are that simple in real life.  And NOTHING is simple when you're a grown-up.

So let's see.  Abandonment, I name you.  Lack of acceptance, I name you, too.  And rejection, I name you.  Does anything change?  Am I better now?  Doesn't feel like I've cast anything out.

Now, I need ideas.  Once the problems are named, something needs to happen, and the problems need to be addressed.  (No.  Therapy, not an option.  If it was going to help, it would have helped by now.)  I mean, I'm smart, I'm obscenely insightful, and I think more than any person that I've ever met (even more than my boyfriend.  Yes.  Truth).  I should be able to figure out a process to address and eventually exile these fears.  Right?

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