This isn't good.

I need to quit smoking. I just caught my son (he's 5) pretending to "smoke". We constantly talk to him about how bad it is, but we've got to stop.

And that scares me. I'm not sure how to cope with work stress without it. I need ideas. I've added a lot of stress-reduction things to my life (pedicures, meditation, baths, deep breathing), but none of those things do what smoking does, especially when I leave work and I'm ready to rip the car door off of the hinges. Seriously- I get SO frustrated at work sometimes, and there's nothing I can do to change the nature of my job. This is even with all of the positive thinking stuff I've incorporated; without those things, I probably would have had a nervous breakdown by now. I'm not joking, and I don't take mental breakdowns seriously.

So, I need suggestions on QUICK and effective things I can do to help chill out when I'm ready to scream and I hate life. Help?

Where have I been?

I have been hating my life. Hating my job, hating watching other people succeed while I beat my head against a wall with disinterested kids and unsupportive administrators. And I've been eating. And smoking. The last part may be a surprise to some people who read this, and hopefully they'll be understanding and forgiving.

I started working with a therapist a little while ago, and the main thing I wanted to work on was quitting smoking. I HAVE cut my smoking in half, which is good (I'm very black-and-white, all-or-nothing, so it's weird to look at this as a "success", but whatever). The therapist, however, wants to focus on my eating. I can report that, while I haven't binged in recent memory, I have been consuming more. Here are some things I noticed during/after the last appointment with the therapist.

1. I am extremely uncomfortable listing the foods I eat. She asks me for examples of what I am eating when I say that I "overeat". And I have trouble recalling specifics. I know that, if I was talking to someone else, it would be easier. I think part of it is because it feels like I'm focusing on dumb details, but I suspect that most of it is because listing my food feels like a diet. I need to bring that up with her next time.

2. I am having trouble balancing between accepting that there are just going to be some days where the only thing that will make me feel better is mashed potatoes or a creamy soup (food acceptance), and being overly permissive and understanding (mindless indulgence), and being overly critical of ANY eating that is not meant for sustenance (restriction). I think it may be helpful to work on "self-parenting", or creating a self-dialogue where I speak to myself as if I was my son. I wouldn't DREAM of harping on my son because he wants ice cream, nor would I allow him to eat six ice cream cones. Neither is healthy for him. I need to learn how to automatically default my self-talk to this sort of caring concern.

3. We're focusing on the wrong damned thing in therapy! Well, not really. We do spend time every session working on coming up with ideas of healthy ways to cope with stress. And I generally give myself homework at the end of every appointment (I'm a star pupil, ha!). But, I think I would like her to give me more suggestions on day-to-day stress management, especially for the times when I'm in the car and I feel like smashing something.

Still haven't weighed myself, by the way. I can tell that the increase in consumption (I also have been noticing that I'm naturally referring to overeating in more detatched and clinical terms, which is probably a very good thing) is creating more weight, but I also recognize that this will eventually work itself out. I generally have a positive self-image. And that is a good thing.

And no matter what, I'm going to survive through this year of school. They ain't makin' it easy, but I'm a stubborn, tough broad. And I'm stuck in a contract. :)

Eating again...and figuring out stuff.

I'll start with the first one. I've been overeating (I won't classify it as a binge, because a doctor wouldn't. I'm not sneaking, I'm not eating fast, but I am eating too much and definitely eating when I'm not hungry). It's definitely emotional eating.

If I had to guess, I'd say that part of it is linked to the utter despair I feel about my job. Part of it is because I've recently been feeling crappy about my appearance. Why did that happen? I can't figure that out.

I also feel a lot of guilt about how my classes are going. I didn't set the year up well. In my defense, I was blindsided by how bad the job actually is; in reality, I was downright lied to about the state of the program. It took a few weeks to figure out what was going on. I still wish I'd been able to get things started sooner.

Rethinking priorities.

So, I'm sitting in the mall, watching my husband get a massage. And it made me think...this is the first time since we've been together that w have spent time or money on 'relaxation'. I've started meditating, and I get my biweekly pedicure and take regular bubble baths. We're planning to take a family vacation. Now this.

And because we're both overworked, I think these things might be important. More later. He's done!

Anyway...so, I'm thinking that the ridiculous amount of stress that comes with the new job is a being in disguise. I'm learning the importance if self-care. I'm being forced to find stress management techniques that don't involve food. I'm realizing how important it is to focus on my family, which means that I have to keep work at work.

So, perhaps there is something to be learned from everything that, on the surface, send like a problem. Without binging, I never would have gained this much awareness about my emotions. Without gaining weight,i wouldn't have learned to appreciate myself and others for what is really important about us. Without this (generally awful) job, I wouldn't be learning how to cope with stress in healthy ways.

Guess what happens when I eat whatever, whenever I want?

I can tell you what DIDN'T happen.

1. I didn't automatically gain a million pounds.

2. The world did not end.

3. I did not continue to eat until I had consumed the entire world.

I wish I had known...

I had a doctor's appointment, and was weighed. I tried really, REALLY hard to not pay attention, but the nurse told me the number. And really, it wasn't awful.

It was enough to trigger a two-day binge. Even though the scale wasn't that bad. Even though the weight actually made sense. Even though my clothing felt like it fit just fine. I ignored my body, and became obsessed with the scale again.

No more. I'm not doing this anymore. Even the fact that I need to be weighed for my fitness test can be avoided- I can have a monitor manipulate the scale and ask that the results be hidden from me. I can't keep destroying myself because of what a piece of metal tells me.

In frustration, I purchased "Intuitive Eating". So far, it seems to be a more clinical version of Geneen Roth's stuff. I like it. A lot. So, out of all of this, I've gained a new tool and learned an important lesson about the scale. Any weight can be lost again. And at least my binges almost exclusively consisted of things I WANTED to eat!

Maybe Geneen is right, after all

Every one of Geneen Roth's books talks about using fat as a way to avoid intimacy. And I'm always like, "No way, Geneen; I'm happy with my relationship and my sexuality."

And then I started eating today, and definitely didn't stop when I was full (yesterday, either). It's as if I started eating as soon as I got back from tour. So...does this mean that I'm afraid of intimacy with my husband?

No, I don't think so. Here's where I'm at with this...I think this has something to do with my sexuality and other people. So...if I stay overweight, I don't have to worry about other people finding me attractive. I think it's BECAUSE I'm infatuated with my husband that I want to be undesirable to other guys. So, that's good, in a way- it tells me that I really am secure in my relationship and that I want to stay with him.

But, I don't want to keep using fat in this way! I know that I can (and do) use my personality to create distance between myself and other people. Why would I want to create a physical barrier, as well? Why would I need one? Does anyone have any thoughts?