Sorry...it's been a while

I have been on the road for a few weeks, and haven't had much computer access. I'll be home tomorrow, and will be able to post more regularly again.

I noticed that my scale-free challenge is over. Funny, because I rarely thought about weighing. I did notice if my clothing fit better or worse from day to day, which is probably a better indication of what's going on with my body. I'm not sure if I'll weigh myself again or not. If I do, I'd like to try to keep it as a monthly thing- because of my status as a military member, I'm sort of stuck being weighed occasionally. While the number doesn't matter as much to me, it matters a lot to them.

(Or, so I say...if it didn't matter to me, I wouldn't weigh at all!)

During the past few weeks, I realized just how obsessed normal people are with calorie counting. It's very easy to use numbers and calculations as a substitution for listening to what one's body is needing. I can say that, for the most part, I spent the last two weeks eating when I was hungry and stopping when I had enough. This wasn't the case every day...and I didn't like the physical discomfort that came with overeating. I can honestly say that I didn't feel guilty, though!

I wish this meant that I was "cured". I doubt that will ever be the case. But, I think I've got a series of really helpful tools that are making it easier for me to stay positive about myself and my body, and that's a start.

What a week!

Woah. So, since my last post, I have:

*Interviewed for two jobs in the same day

*Received an informal offer for one of the jobs (I accepted)

*Packed for a family of three to travel out of town for the weekend

*Completed a whirlwind tour of the Chicagoland area with said family

*Responded sanely to my negative, looking-to-pick-a-fight father

*Researched and visited private kindergartens in anticipation for the aforementioned new job

*Stayed off of the scale

*Quit running

*Eaten sanely.

The last thing is the big one for me. In that list, I see at least six different sources of mega-stress (dealing with my dad is probably one of the biggest ones, since my inner critic took lessons from him). And still, I didn't eat over any of that. What helped?

1. The CBT Referee app, self-affirmation, and other methods of combatting the inner critic

2. Remembering that I can always eat again when I get hungry

3. Keeping my most important goals (self-acceptance, good mental health) in mind


I guess I'm in a list-making mood tonight. I can say that I'm feeling extremely disorganized and frazzled, what with the upcoming school year and all. It's amazing, though, how much BETTER I am handling all of this than I was before I quit dieting and weighing. There is definitely less internal chatter. Still, I am very tired, and will come back again when I'm feeling more rested!

I had something important to say...

...and then I got a job offer, and completely forgot what I was going to say.

I have learned, though, that I don't necessarily eat "because of stress". Because I had a solid couple of hours with no stress whatsoever, and my feelings about food were no better or worse than normal. Rather than thinking of this as "stress eating" or "emotional eating", I am starting to believe that I have a hard time dealing with anything without using food.

Letting go of the "loser" mentality

Initially, I quit dieting because I was tired of restricting and bingeing. I was tired of looking the way I did.

Somewhere within the past month, something changed. More than anything else, I am tired of being obsessed with my weight and size. So, while I maintain this eating plan in order to avoid binges, and I exercise in order to gain strength and cardiovascular health (and to avoid failing future fitness tests!), it might appear to others that I am trying to lose weight.

I will lose weight. There is no way I can consume less calories and exercise and NOT lose some weight.

If it doesn't happen, though, I want to be able to be okay with that- not just accepting, but proud of myself at my size. I want to see myself as much more than what the numbers tell me I am. Getting away from the scale has been very, very helpful.

By the way, I am following Geneen Roth's recommended eating guidelines for a bit of structure in how I eat. Her guidelines are:

1. Eat when you are hungry.

2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. (This does not include the car.)

3. Eat without distractions.

4. Eat only what your body wants.

5. Eat until you are satisfied.

6. Eat with the intention of being in the full view of others.

7. Eat with gusto, enjoyment, and pleasure.

Really, I do very well with most of these guidelines most of the time. Because my goal is progress, not perfection, it's okay for me to merely be "mostly good, most of the time". I do have a lot of troubles with eating without distraction. I seem to be uncomfortable with silence, and seem to feel wrong if I'm not multitasking when eating. Also, my husband watches TV when he eats, and he's not interested in turning it off. Any suggestions for how to help with those three problems?

Day 1 is done!

If you recall, I started a scale-free challenge yesterday.

It's very odd- right when I woke up, I felt hungry. And my first thought (I never realized that I did this!) was, "Well, let's see what the scale says." I'm not joking. I was going to base my eating plans on whether I had gained or lost weight overnight- not on whether I was hungry or not, but on what the scale had to say about whether I deserved to eat or not.

I feel like I want to be more wordy and insightful, but I'm feeling honestly exhausted. Today was also day 2 of my Couch to 5k program, and day 2 of my pushup/situp training (I have to pass a fitness test in 3 weeks). I also had a color guard rehearsal (I'm getting more action as a color guard director than as a band director, by the way). My body feels very used, but very vital and happy. I smiled through much of my time outside today. But still, it's time for some rest.

The 30-Day Scale-Free Challenge

The owner of http://thistastesterrible.blogspot.com/ (I don't know if you want your name "out there", sorry!) proposed a 30-day challenge- can we stay away from the scale for a month?

That's a great idea. It's a really great idea. I stopped counting calories in February (although my brain is hardwired with the content of foods from a decade of counting...sometimes it happens automatically). I even try to avoid tracking meals in general (with the exception of a very vague journal that I'm keeping in order to learn more about my hunger patterns). The scale is my last holdout; it's the last thing left from my miserable history determining my worth in numbers.

It's funny how I can wake up feeling terrific; maybe even feeling a bit closer to "fit", and after stepping on the scale and seeing a gain, I all of a sudden feel like eating. Or not eating.

It's as if I walk into the bathroom and say, "Okay, scale, tell me how I should feel about myself today." And heaven knows I have enough problems will external things affecting my self-worth.

So, I'm going to put a countdown timer on my blog (if I can figure it out). I won't weight myself for 30 days. I'm anticipating a general improvement in self-worth, body image satisfaction, and overall happiness. Which is strange, because it's just a stupid machine.

Thoughts on last night's quote

I suppose that what I am really looking for is balance more than freedom. "Freedom" suggests that I will be cured of overeating, and I don't necessarily believe that will happen. But, to be able to brush away the compulsions (or even the mindlessness) as easily as moving a hair off of my face- I do think that is attainable.

The key to this entire journey is honesty and transparency with myself. I have to check in with my body when I am hungry. I have to check in while I am eating to make sure I'm not just munching. I have to check in when I feel like eating to see if it's emotional hunger instead of physical hunger.

In short, I have to show up and tell the truth.