Eating again...and figuring out stuff.

I'll start with the first one. I've been overeating (I won't classify it as a binge, because a doctor wouldn't. I'm not sneaking, I'm not eating fast, but I am eating too much and definitely eating when I'm not hungry). It's definitely emotional eating.

If I had to guess, I'd say that part of it is linked to the utter despair I feel about my job. Part of it is because I've recently been feeling crappy about my appearance. Why did that happen? I can't figure that out.

I also feel a lot of guilt about how my classes are going. I didn't set the year up well. In my defense, I was blindsided by how bad the job actually is; in reality, I was downright lied to about the state of the program. It took a few weeks to figure out what was going on. I still wish I'd been able to get things started sooner.

Rethinking priorities.

So, I'm sitting in the mall, watching my husband get a massage. And it made me think...this is the first time since we've been together that w have spent time or money on 'relaxation'. I've started meditating, and I get my biweekly pedicure and take regular bubble baths. We're planning to take a family vacation. Now this.

And because we're both overworked, I think these things might be important. More later. He's done!

Anyway...so, I'm thinking that the ridiculous amount of stress that comes with the new job is a being in disguise. I'm learning the importance if self-care. I'm being forced to find stress management techniques that don't involve food. I'm realizing how important it is to focus on my family, which means that I have to keep work at work.

So, perhaps there is something to be learned from everything that, on the surface, send like a problem. Without binging, I never would have gained this much awareness about my emotions. Without gaining weight,i wouldn't have learned to appreciate myself and others for what is really important about us. Without this (generally awful) job, I wouldn't be learning how to cope with stress in healthy ways.

Guess what happens when I eat whatever, whenever I want?

I can tell you what DIDN'T happen.

1. I didn't automatically gain a million pounds.

2. The world did not end.

3. I did not continue to eat until I had consumed the entire world.

I wish I had known...

I had a doctor's appointment, and was weighed. I tried really, REALLY hard to not pay attention, but the nurse told me the number. And really, it wasn't awful.

It was enough to trigger a two-day binge. Even though the scale wasn't that bad. Even though the weight actually made sense. Even though my clothing felt like it fit just fine. I ignored my body, and became obsessed with the scale again.

No more. I'm not doing this anymore. Even the fact that I need to be weighed for my fitness test can be avoided- I can have a monitor manipulate the scale and ask that the results be hidden from me. I can't keep destroying myself because of what a piece of metal tells me.

In frustration, I purchased "Intuitive Eating". So far, it seems to be a more clinical version of Geneen Roth's stuff. I like it. A lot. So, out of all of this, I've gained a new tool and learned an important lesson about the scale. Any weight can be lost again. And at least my binges almost exclusively consisted of things I WANTED to eat!

Maybe Geneen is right, after all

Every one of Geneen Roth's books talks about using fat as a way to avoid intimacy. And I'm always like, "No way, Geneen; I'm happy with my relationship and my sexuality."

And then I started eating today, and definitely didn't stop when I was full (yesterday, either). It's as if I started eating as soon as I got back from tour. So...does this mean that I'm afraid of intimacy with my husband?

No, I don't think so. Here's where I'm at with this...I think this has something to do with my sexuality and other people. So...if I stay overweight, I don't have to worry about other people finding me attractive. I think it's BECAUSE I'm infatuated with my husband that I want to be undesirable to other guys. So, that's good, in a way- it tells me that I really am secure in my relationship and that I want to stay with him.

But, I don't want to keep using fat in this way! I know that I can (and do) use my personality to create distance between myself and other people. Why would I want to create a physical barrier, as well? Why would I need one? Does anyone have any thoughts?

Sorry...it's been a while

I have been on the road for a few weeks, and haven't had much computer access. I'll be home tomorrow, and will be able to post more regularly again.

I noticed that my scale-free challenge is over. Funny, because I rarely thought about weighing. I did notice if my clothing fit better or worse from day to day, which is probably a better indication of what's going on with my body. I'm not sure if I'll weigh myself again or not. If I do, I'd like to try to keep it as a monthly thing- because of my status as a military member, I'm sort of stuck being weighed occasionally. While the number doesn't matter as much to me, it matters a lot to them.

(Or, so I say...if it didn't matter to me, I wouldn't weigh at all!)

During the past few weeks, I realized just how obsessed normal people are with calorie counting. It's very easy to use numbers and calculations as a substitution for listening to what one's body is needing. I can say that, for the most part, I spent the last two weeks eating when I was hungry and stopping when I had enough. This wasn't the case every day...and I didn't like the physical discomfort that came with overeating. I can honestly say that I didn't feel guilty, though!

I wish this meant that I was "cured". I doubt that will ever be the case. But, I think I've got a series of really helpful tools that are making it easier for me to stay positive about myself and my body, and that's a start.

What a week!

Woah. So, since my last post, I have:

*Interviewed for two jobs in the same day

*Received an informal offer for one of the jobs (I accepted)

*Packed for a family of three to travel out of town for the weekend

*Completed a whirlwind tour of the Chicagoland area with said family

*Responded sanely to my negative, looking-to-pick-a-fight father

*Researched and visited private kindergartens in anticipation for the aforementioned new job

*Stayed off of the scale

*Quit running

*Eaten sanely.

The last thing is the big one for me. In that list, I see at least six different sources of mega-stress (dealing with my dad is probably one of the biggest ones, since my inner critic took lessons from him). And still, I didn't eat over any of that. What helped?

1. The CBT Referee app, self-affirmation, and other methods of combatting the inner critic

2. Remembering that I can always eat again when I get hungry

3. Keeping my most important goals (self-acceptance, good mental health) in mind


I guess I'm in a list-making mood tonight. I can say that I'm feeling extremely disorganized and frazzled, what with the upcoming school year and all. It's amazing, though, how much BETTER I am handling all of this than I was before I quit dieting and weighing. There is definitely less internal chatter. Still, I am very tired, and will come back again when I'm feeling more rested!