LAST DAY!

It's over! IT'S OVER!

I never thought that blogging could become such a chore.

In other news...I never thought that I'd be excited about exercising, at least not this much. I got home and did some basic cardio stuff, and now I'm like, "Okay, ready for the sun to go down so I can run".

The cardio stuff...yeah, it does feel like weight-loss stuff. Running doesn't, though. Not at all. It feels like something I do because it's good for me on lots of levels.

In other other news...I've been checking out lots of women lately. I am not gay. I have been looking at body sizes. And what I'm realizing is that I'm delightfully average- smaller than average, maybe. There's no sense in freaking out over the fact that I'm not waif-thin. I want to figure out how to stop worrying about how my husband sees me (which is my biggest concern- not how I see myself).

Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous.

2 days to go. I don't know WHY the blogathon folks keep saying "It's over! It's over!"

Unless....

Shit. Was this a month of May thing, or a 30-day thing? I can't remember!

At least I have gotten into the habit of posting every day. I don't think that's the best course of action for what I want to do with my blog, though. I have other places to put random mind dribblings. This is supposed to be the "really struggling" or "holy shit! epiphany!" place.

I have to go back and check out the details on the blogathon now. In the meantime, I will say that I'm still having weird issues with wanting to eat the world. Could be anxiety about the upcoming test, could be PMS, could be anxiety about seeing old friends in a month, could be the new job, or whatever.

I would like to get into the habit of really searching for meaning in the words I choose. So, "wanting to eat the world" might mean something different from "wanting to eat everything in sight" or "wanting to nibble without stopping". What does it mean to want to "eat the world"? What do I REALLY want? Am I feeling like my world is sort of hollow, and needing to be filled? Could I be having a "what does it all mean?" crisis? That's entirely possible.

Or, it could be PMS. I just realized that I haven't taken a bath in weeks, and that needs to happen soon.

Ouch.

I am hurting. Just hurting in general. And my typical response to hurting is eating.

So, I'm going to go eat. Because I don't want to feel crampy and crummy all night.

That's about it. Is this month almost over?

Welcome to me journaling through a binge urge.

Ack. All I want to do is eat.

I had a fairly logical and good dinner. And then I went for a run, and then I came home and had a snack. Okay. And then I started grazing. I can tell I'm looking for SOMETHING, but I don't know what. And, since I'm not at all hungry, it's something that isn't food.

What do I want? What do I feel?

I feel sort of frustrated at nothing in general. I'm sort of irritated with my kid, and I'm feeling antsy about putting together a budget for our household, and I'm excited about the new job. I guess it's a lot of feelings. It's been a big and busy week. What I really want to do is sort of go hole myself up alone for a few hours, but I don't want my husband to feel neglected. So, how can I get that feeling of "getting away from it all" without getting away?

I could read. I might enjoy reading. I don't feel like doing it, but I could. And I need to get rid of this feeling of guilt for the munching that I did. Because feeling shitty about it isn't going to make it go away, and it's not going to take it back. So, I'm letting that go.

I also know that I want some sort of sweetness. I just asked my husband if we can snuggle a bit later. I think that will help.

I feel better. Never underestimate the power of journaling!

Woo-hoo!!!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!

Celebration tonight, but I still hope to run. I guess that makes me a runner now. :)

sick.

Fever and chills and other bad stuff. This is all you get from me today.

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Sometimes, life imitates...life?

So, I had a job interview today. For my job.

I generally try to avoid talking about my "real life" on the blog, but I think it's pertinent.

Anyway, I found out just a little while ago that I was going to have to re-apply for my current job. In truth, I'd rather NOT stay in this job, and my fingers are crossed that another potential job pans out, but hey, whatever.

I had the interview, which went well. I mean, we're not talking about hypothetical situations. I know what works and what doesn't work there. And then I got a call telling me that I'd have a call-back...at which time I was told what sorts of things I should say if I want to keep my job.

And frankly, I HATE that shit. I hate being told what to do. I really, really hate it. I know what needs to be said! I know what's right for me.

What does this have to do with my blog? I think this is part of why I don't diet well...and why even Intuitive Eating fails me sometimes. I do NOT do well with rigid rules and mandates. I don't like being told, in essence, that I can't be trusted to do the right thing.

I've had about three days of struggling. I know I'm not hungry, but I eat. And every time, I sort of feel like I'm thumbing my nose at Geneen Roth ("Screw you, lady! I'll eat what I want!"). Even though overeating doesn't make me feel good.

Isn't that childish?

Home Stretch

Not just for the blogathon, but also for my Bridge to 10k program.

I'm at the point now where I am running 2-25 minute sessions with 1 minute of walking in between. In 2 days, I will be running 2-30 minute sessions. And in 4 days, I'll be running for a full hour with no walking.

And it gets hard. And holy cow, in the last 10 minutes, I'm constantly checking to see when I'll be DONE. And eventually, I am done.

What surprises and pleases me is that I still look forward to running, I still FINISH the program every day, and I feel good when I'm done. So, I think that makes me a runner now.

I also think that makes me NOT a blogger. Interesting!

Still tired.

Is this month OVER yet?

Random randomness. I feel exhausted, probably because yesterday was so very long.

I think I'm supposed to talk about my favorite places to write, but I always write on the couch or from y phone.

I just want to go to bed. I think I have to skip my run tonight.

It's been a long day.

I don't think I have a whole lot that I want to talk about. I've been up since 5 am, because I ran a race today.

I ran slowly, but I ran the whole thing. It's not the fastest time I've run a 5k, but I'm happy that I signed up for the race and followed through.

Then, I went to see one of my favorite people graduate. Then, we went for sushi. It was a happy, but long day.

Maybe I need another scale-free challenge.

Weighing myself hasn't been detrimental. Until today. I gained .2 lbs this week, and I'm struggling with a lot of self-image issues today. I was actually convinced that I was going to lose weight, because I can tell that I AM smaller than I was last week.

I just saw a video of myself from last July. I can SEE that I am smaller now than I was then. I know I am getting smaller.

So why do I still feel like crap? Why does the stupid scale make such a difference?

I am tempted to go back to avoiding the scale, but I don't think that's what I need. Because, as I noted the other day with "mirror girl" from the article, I don't want the equipment to have that sort of power over me. I want to look at the number as one indicator of my overall health, not as a judgment.

I wouldn't feel like crap if I noticed that I wasn't drinking enough water on a given day. I wouldn't beat myself up (too much) if I didn't do as many push-ups as I thought I should. Why does this matter so much?

Hmm. I just noticed that I would, in fact, beat myself up if I didn't do "enough" push-ups. Or if I ate "too much". Or if I didn't finish the 5k tomorrow.

Why doesn't "I tried my hardest" seem to be a part of my vocabulary?

Day 20.

Yeah, now this whole "30-days" thing is starting to feel dull. And it feels like a chore. And I feel like I have nothing at all interesting to say.

It's starting to feel like one of "those blogs" where the writer just talks about his or her day and the funny dog he or she saw on the way home from work. Ugh.

I really do have an idea of something I want to write, but it hasn't completely crystallized yet. It has something to do with a weird experiment I did the other day on the way home from work (and did NOT involve a funny dog). I decided to smile for 2 minutes. No matter what passed through my brain, I smiled. And it was interesting. And I recommend that all of you (whoever "you" are) give it a try.

It started making me think about something else, and it had something to do with eating and feelings, but I haven't quite put my finger on it yet. And frankly, this "post every day!" thing feels like SUCH a deadline that I'm not motivated to give this a day or two. Grr.

Not good.

I just had the worst day of my entire career as a teacher. I do not feel like blogging. I do not feel like being in touch with my feelings. All I feel like doing is eating. And maybe having a beer.

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Update, because I'm at home now. I did eat. I did not overeat. And I don't really feel any better. So, for the record, eating doesn't fix things. Not that I didn't already know that, but it's been confirmed.

Sometimes, I read an interesting article.

Carrie at ED-Bites is a really awesome writer, and I love getting the articles that come up on her Facebook feed.

For starters, go check out her blog. Good, real stuff. http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/

Anyway, today she posted this on the FB feed:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stuck/201105/why-i-avoid-mirrors

I was at the zoo with my son (don't tell my school...I skipped out early because I didn't have an afternoon class! Shhh!), and saw this posted. And figured I'd read it while waiting for the zoo train to start moving. And once I started reading, I realized that this was the sort of article that was going to demand more of my attention.

Man, I don't know WHAT to think. Part of me applauds the author for "coming out" with her mirror avoidance. It's a good thing to recognize when a tool (be it mirror or bathroom scale) is causing unnecessary strife and contributing to self-loathing. Been there, done that, squeezed into the t-shirt, then had to buy new t-shirts in a myriad of sizes.

On the other hand...goodness, but is she ever hatin' on herself! And, if I may say, I think there's a world of difference between what she's doing (avoiding reflective surfaces so as to, if I read her words correctly, avoid seeing her imperfections confirmed by the mirror) and what I was doing with the scale (avoiding the scale so as to avoid having my self-image distorted by the number on the scale).

Both are protectionist measures, sure. I'm just glad that I'm at a place where, almost all of the time, I think I look pretty good...and all of the time, I feel like a worthwhile person.

What do you think?

Let me tell you of some successes!

1. I am currently passing every portion of my fitness test (run, push-up, sit-up, waist measurement), and I still have 2.5 weeks before the test.

2. I ran a 5k last night in just over 35 minutes. No walking.

3. I ran 5 MILES tonight, with 2 1-minute walks.

4. I can drop to the floor and do push-ups whenever I feel like it, and I don't look like a weakling.

Never would have thought these things would be happening. I enjoy exercise. I also enjoy the endorphins...but mostly, I really love feeling like I'm meeting and BREAKING goals! Again, it's awesome to see "success" as a thing that is NOT measured by a scale.

This photo says it all.

Why didn't this post?

I know I was up late, but I was busy passing all of the portions of my fitness test!

So, every year, I have to take my USAF fitness test. I failed last year. I have been working since January to have success this time...and, with three weeks to go before the actual test, I met the requirements for the run, the pushups, and the situps last night. Woo!

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Reader Challenge Question!

Maybe this is a test to see who's reading.

Or maybe I'm PMS-y and in a crummy mood and need a pick-me-up.

If you are reading, can you please comment and let me know what things YOU have done to help get rid of the "blahs"? It's been one of those days where I just feel sort of crummy. I'm not mad or sad or anything like that, just....blah.

So, what do YOU think I should do?

Man, I'm getting lazy.

This is something I do not like about the Blogathon: I have to post every day, even if there's not much going on.

So, I was feeling flabby, tired, cranky, and generally dissatisfied with life and with myself today. I mean, I was feeling really foul. I knew that I wanted to get my run training done for today, though, so I dragged myself out the door. Glad I did, because the run helped my mood so much. Got home and did my pushup and situp training, and then finished up with the weight training that I blew off yesterday. It definitely gave me a different way to look at my body. I'm becoming powerful. I'm no bodybuilder, and I'm not running any marathons, but compared to where I was in December, I'm doing really well. And that has nothing to do with the scale.

Stupid Blogger.

Ate my post last night, and now I can't remember what I said.

Grr.

At least it seems to be back up. I need to remember what I was thinking about writing today. It's been a tiring day.

i don't have anything interesting to say.

So, I'm going to rip off advice that I gave someone else today. Because I know lots and lots and lots of people who say and think things like she does, and I'll bet that the advice would be good to hear for others.

For what it's worth, I have modified a couple of statements in order to preserve the anonymity of the other person. And, I really, honestly do blame dieting and diets and the diet industry for ripping apart the self-esteem of so many women.

Here is what I am seeing: You look like the average woman. Really, you do. If I took pictures of every other mom of every child in my son's class, at least half of them are your size or larger. And so am I. It may not be "perfect size", but it's very, very average. But...you are constantly telling yourself that you are SO, SO overweight. You talk about yourself as if your self-image is totally distorted. It doesn't sound like you see yourself the way you really look. And, it sounds like you see your size as an "enemy". So, you're at war with YOUR SELF.

You're also describing a really unrealistic set of diet habits. When you post your meals, they're extremely low-calorie. When I was dieting, I was eating 1800 calories/day. And I wasn't exercising. I know others eat less, but there isn't a doctor on the planet (not a smart one, at least) who will tell you that it's okay to eat less than 1200/day. Eating less isn't virtuous. It isn't going to make you healthier. And it isn't sustainable long-term. It's just going to make you feel shittier and make it harder to stay on track.
Food is not a bad thing, and it's not worth fighting. Food is awesome. It's enjoyable. It tastes good. If you're not giving yourself the chance to savor what you're choosing to eat, you're probably going to keep feeling resentful and shitty about everything you eat.

Also, it's been EXACTLY three weeks since your started the diet. Did you learn how to do ANYTHING in three weeks? I'm guessing that no one has. This is a process. Be kind to yourself. Allow for mistakes. And, don't let a "bad day" be a "failure". Correction: Don't let a "not totally picture perfect eating day" be a "bad day" at all. It's not about good and bad.

If you're at war with your self, and food is another enemy, there isn't a whole lot of room for taking care of yourself. And, if you're like just about every other woman I know, you're more likely to start craving food when you feel beaten down. So, your response to feeling shitty about dieting is probably going to be...to crash the diet. This entire idea is destined to fail.

Here is what I would recommend for you: If you're absolutely convinced that you HAVE to diet, stop thinking about trying to eat "perfectly". Perfect doesn't exist. Use an online calculator (the ones at Sparkpeople are good) to come up with a reasonable and healthy RANGE of calories that would allow you to sustain, nourish, and take care of yourself. You can do this and still lose weight. I promise.

There is another option, too. You can give up dieting. This has worked extremely well for me. I do think that this approach takes a really serious commitment, though...but it's worth it.

I hope you're able to read this in the spirit in which it is intended. I hate to see anyone feel so beaten down by themselves.

Haiku Day!

Yay! It's dinnertime!

Checking in with my hunger...

Damn. Not hungry yet.

The other day, I desperately wanted to eat. But, I wasn't physically hungry. This was distressing, because I WANTED to eat. So, I distracted myself for a while...which didn't necessarily help. I was still un-hungry but wanting to eat. What ended up helping was honoring the feeling of wanting to eat, while acknowledging that eating without hunger wasn't going to make me feel good. This didn't totally take away the feeling that I "deserved" to eat, but it did make eating when I was actually hungry much more pleasant. And I know I chose a meal that I was really able to enjoy, because I waited until my body was ready for food.

This was a good experience.

This is not about "getting thin"

And THAT is something I believe, no matter what.

I went out for a run tonight- 3 x 17-minute runs. But, I ended up chafing at the seam of the leg of my shorts (anyone who has run in plastic-y shorts will understand this feeling), and I had to pee. Badly. So, I skipped the last portion of the run, limped my raw legs home, and nearly pissed myself getting my shorts off. And then immediately felt crappy for not finishing tonight's program.

But dammit, I ran a 5k. And at a decent pace (considering I was expecting to add another 1.5 miles to the run). There's NO WAY I could have accomplished that back in January! And on top of that, I came in and finished the weight training that I had scheduled for today. That realization made me feel so much better- I'm getting fit.

I feel strong and fit and awesome. Does it really matter that my butt isn't the size I'd like it to be? I feel like I could kick someone's ass. Given the right person, I probably could. THAT'S what matters- not my size, and certainly not the number on the scale.

And, it doesn't feel like work. I look forward to running and lifting. I enjoy beating my time or increasing my reps. It's FUN. Weighing myself is not fun. Squeezing into a pair of jeans so that I have an excuse to feel like shit is not fun. Given the choices, I pick fun over misery.

And still, I ate carrots.

It's mother's day. For anyone else who doesn't have a living (or present) mom, this day can tend to suck.

And I didn't overeat.

My husband took me out for lunch. My son, who has been getting into SO MUCH trouble lately for behaviors that might actually be out of his control, was a booger at the restaurant.

But I didn't overeat.

I chose to participate in the weekly weigh-in. With a fitness test less than a month away, it's good to know how I'm doing with weight. And even though I'm generally living a healthier life than I had in the past two years, it went up this week.

But I stayed positive.

In the midst of all of this, I felt really lucky to have the day with my husband and child, who, despite their (and our) challenges, enrich my life on a daily basis. I was able to listen to my body, make food choices that felt right, and stop eating when I was full.

And when my body told me that I wanted carrots and snap peas, I listened. And they were good.

Not a good enough day to have a witty post title.

I don't want to go into the details. I was supposed to hear about a potential job, and I didn't. While that's annoying, I also am dealing with increasingly challenging problems in my family life. Without disclosing anything, I can say that things have been very hard today.

And I am responding by eating. Are there better methods of coping with stress and fear and uncertainty? Certainly. There are dozens of things I could be doing instead of eating. I could take a bath. I could just go to sleep. I could meditate or read (can't do yoga, and can't exercise, since I hurt my legs by doing lunges. For some reason, I keep forgetting that those always, always hurt me for days).

Also, I'm dealing with the residual feelings from weighing last weekend. While I haven't been "obsessing", I'd be lying if I wasn't starting to think about cutting calories and dieting. And, as always, that has backfired.

Do I believe what I say?

So, as promised, here is the Facebook post:

:It breaks my heart- seriously, it makes me cry- to see people that I know and love beating themselves up over what they see on the scale or on the tag of their jeans. Folks, you are worth SO much more than a number. Stop reducing yourself to something so insignificant, because your value is immeasurable.:

Actually, that was my post in response to a friend who was lamenting her lack of being "the perfect size". I said to her:

:Um. Well. I hate to tell you, but you ARE perfect. And you're perfect because you are exactly as you are, now. It took me decades to realize that the pursuit of the "perfect size" was turning me into a person that I didn't like...and even when I got to that size, I still wasn't happy with the way that I looked! You're an awesome person, and you're never going to be more (or less) perfect than you are at any point in time. Embrace it.:

IS this what I believe? I believe it for other people. While I am a ridiculously critical person, I'm not judgmental. So, while I may notice that a friend has gained or lost weight, it doesn't change the way I "see" them.

Why don't I see myself as perfect, the way I am? I know that a great deal of it has to do with the way I think others see me. So, I feel "okay" until I think my husband might be grossed out by me. Seriously. Even though I barely notice that he is not as thin as he used to be...I think he's "grossed out" by me!

What makes me so special in my mind that I deserve to be more important (and therefore, held to a higher level of scrutiny) than everyone else?

Facebook comment

I am reminding myself to come back later to post something that I saw and something that I wrote yesterday. Right now, I'm in desperate need of coffee and am not looking forward to my 4 hour night class.

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Well, then.

I just asked my husband for my weight. I have to get weighed for my fitness test in a month, and I thought it was best that I knew.

I'm surprised, but not dismayed. I know that the weight didn't come on all at once, and I KNOW that dieting will only result in future weight gain.

This is, then, a great opportunity to get in touch with what my body REALLY wants to eat. There has to be a way to be happy and healthy at the same time, and I think sanity and openness and honesty with myself is the way to go. And, a dose of kindness never hurt anything.

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::Taps Microphone:: Anyone there?

I feel like I'm hitting "publish post" and sending my thoughts out into a void.

Anyway. So, I'm having the damnedest time trying to get back in touch with my hunger. When I quit eating two weeks ago (thank goodness, that's over), I realized that my hunger does have a bottom. I also have begun to suspect that I tend to eat at the VERY first sign of hunger, not when I'm at a 4-5 on the hunger scale.

Interesting how that pit of despair taught me a useful lesson.

Now...why can't I get that lesson into my head? I am not going to starve if I allow myself to feel hunger. And...I am not going to starve emotionally if I allow myself to feel loneliness.

And the lessons keep on comin'. :)

Another itty bitty post

Hi guys.

I only have a minute, because I just went for a run and I'd like to have some dinner.

Day 2 of the blogathon, and I already feel like I'm drowning in work. I have to get caught up. Hopefully, once that happens, I'll be able to dig in to this whole idea of "intimacy" that I mentioned on my drive home last night (which is when I posted...thanks, Blogdroid!).

I am hoping that this Blogathon will help me spend real time exploring my thoughts and feelings surrounding weight, health, body image, and how all of this is connected to everything else in my life.

Is anyone reading?

Blogathon Day 1

interestingly, my first day for this blog challenge involves me having a very very long day. I am tired, and I'm not extremely motivated to be writing anything right now. based on something that happened today, I had a question for everyone. or 4 myself. What is the definition of intimacy? And how does it apply to my struggle to find balance in my life? if I have a hard time defining intimacy, does this relate to my inability to figure out what enough is?

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