Why?

I haven't posted since the blogathon.

I have been traveling, pretty much non-stop, since my last post. And that's about when I quit running.

I haven't gained much weight (I don't think...I'm afraid to look) but I feel like I have.

I haven't lost that much muscle, but I feel like I have.

I haven't gotten ANY bigger, but I feel like I have.

Something is wrong.

Geez. What is it this time?

I had a decent dinner, and then went for a fantastic run, and then came home and had a snack. And now I am no longer hungry.

But I want chocolate. What IS it with chocolate, by the way? Why is that the universal (stereotypical) stress food?

I mean, I know what's going on. I'm tired. I'm anxious about upcoming vacation and tour. I'm anxious about my new job. I'm worried about my marriage. I'm worried about my child. There's a lot of stuff going on. I'm also seeing physical changes due to exercise (and still no dieting!), and I can FEEL that I am internally struggling with that, for whatever reasons I tend to struggle with losing body mass.

Now I need to decide if I want to just have the taste of chocolate that I want and be done with a taste, or if I want to reason my way away from it. I think either approach will be okay, and after typing, I think the latter will be the choice for tonight. I can have it tomorrow, if I want. And I think I will end my night with some yoga, since that has been tremendously helpful for my mood lately.

LAST DAY!

It's over! IT'S OVER!

I never thought that blogging could become such a chore.

In other news...I never thought that I'd be excited about exercising, at least not this much. I got home and did some basic cardio stuff, and now I'm like, "Okay, ready for the sun to go down so I can run".

The cardio stuff...yeah, it does feel like weight-loss stuff. Running doesn't, though. Not at all. It feels like something I do because it's good for me on lots of levels.

In other other news...I've been checking out lots of women lately. I am not gay. I have been looking at body sizes. And what I'm realizing is that I'm delightfully average- smaller than average, maybe. There's no sense in freaking out over the fact that I'm not waif-thin. I want to figure out how to stop worrying about how my husband sees me (which is my biggest concern- not how I see myself).

Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous.

2 days to go. I don't know WHY the blogathon folks keep saying "It's over! It's over!"

Unless....

Shit. Was this a month of May thing, or a 30-day thing? I can't remember!

At least I have gotten into the habit of posting every day. I don't think that's the best course of action for what I want to do with my blog, though. I have other places to put random mind dribblings. This is supposed to be the "really struggling" or "holy shit! epiphany!" place.

I have to go back and check out the details on the blogathon now. In the meantime, I will say that I'm still having weird issues with wanting to eat the world. Could be anxiety about the upcoming test, could be PMS, could be anxiety about seeing old friends in a month, could be the new job, or whatever.

I would like to get into the habit of really searching for meaning in the words I choose. So, "wanting to eat the world" might mean something different from "wanting to eat everything in sight" or "wanting to nibble without stopping". What does it mean to want to "eat the world"? What do I REALLY want? Am I feeling like my world is sort of hollow, and needing to be filled? Could I be having a "what does it all mean?" crisis? That's entirely possible.

Or, it could be PMS. I just realized that I haven't taken a bath in weeks, and that needs to happen soon.

Ouch.

I am hurting. Just hurting in general. And my typical response to hurting is eating.

So, I'm going to go eat. Because I don't want to feel crampy and crummy all night.

That's about it. Is this month almost over?

Welcome to me journaling through a binge urge.

Ack. All I want to do is eat.

I had a fairly logical and good dinner. And then I went for a run, and then I came home and had a snack. Okay. And then I started grazing. I can tell I'm looking for SOMETHING, but I don't know what. And, since I'm not at all hungry, it's something that isn't food.

What do I want? What do I feel?

I feel sort of frustrated at nothing in general. I'm sort of irritated with my kid, and I'm feeling antsy about putting together a budget for our household, and I'm excited about the new job. I guess it's a lot of feelings. It's been a big and busy week. What I really want to do is sort of go hole myself up alone for a few hours, but I don't want my husband to feel neglected. So, how can I get that feeling of "getting away from it all" without getting away?

I could read. I might enjoy reading. I don't feel like doing it, but I could. And I need to get rid of this feeling of guilt for the munching that I did. Because feeling shitty about it isn't going to make it go away, and it's not going to take it back. So, I'm letting that go.

I also know that I want some sort of sweetness. I just asked my husband if we can snuggle a bit later. I think that will help.

I feel better. Never underestimate the power of journaling!

Woo-hoo!!!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!

Celebration tonight, but I still hope to run. I guess that makes me a runner now. :)

sick.

Fever and chills and other bad stuff. This is all you get from me today.

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Sometimes, life imitates...life?

So, I had a job interview today. For my job.

I generally try to avoid talking about my "real life" on the blog, but I think it's pertinent.

Anyway, I found out just a little while ago that I was going to have to re-apply for my current job. In truth, I'd rather NOT stay in this job, and my fingers are crossed that another potential job pans out, but hey, whatever.

I had the interview, which went well. I mean, we're not talking about hypothetical situations. I know what works and what doesn't work there. And then I got a call telling me that I'd have a call-back...at which time I was told what sorts of things I should say if I want to keep my job.

And frankly, I HATE that shit. I hate being told what to do. I really, really hate it. I know what needs to be said! I know what's right for me.

What does this have to do with my blog? I think this is part of why I don't diet well...and why even Intuitive Eating fails me sometimes. I do NOT do well with rigid rules and mandates. I don't like being told, in essence, that I can't be trusted to do the right thing.

I've had about three days of struggling. I know I'm not hungry, but I eat. And every time, I sort of feel like I'm thumbing my nose at Geneen Roth ("Screw you, lady! I'll eat what I want!"). Even though overeating doesn't make me feel good.

Isn't that childish?

Home Stretch

Not just for the blogathon, but also for my Bridge to 10k program.

I'm at the point now where I am running 2-25 minute sessions with 1 minute of walking in between. In 2 days, I will be running 2-30 minute sessions. And in 4 days, I'll be running for a full hour with no walking.

And it gets hard. And holy cow, in the last 10 minutes, I'm constantly checking to see when I'll be DONE. And eventually, I am done.

What surprises and pleases me is that I still look forward to running, I still FINISH the program every day, and I feel good when I'm done. So, I think that makes me a runner now.

I also think that makes me NOT a blogger. Interesting!

Still tired.

Is this month OVER yet?

Random randomness. I feel exhausted, probably because yesterday was so very long.

I think I'm supposed to talk about my favorite places to write, but I always write on the couch or from y phone.

I just want to go to bed. I think I have to skip my run tonight.

It's been a long day.

I don't think I have a whole lot that I want to talk about. I've been up since 5 am, because I ran a race today.

I ran slowly, but I ran the whole thing. It's not the fastest time I've run a 5k, but I'm happy that I signed up for the race and followed through.

Then, I went to see one of my favorite people graduate. Then, we went for sushi. It was a happy, but long day.

Maybe I need another scale-free challenge.

Weighing myself hasn't been detrimental. Until today. I gained .2 lbs this week, and I'm struggling with a lot of self-image issues today. I was actually convinced that I was going to lose weight, because I can tell that I AM smaller than I was last week.

I just saw a video of myself from last July. I can SEE that I am smaller now than I was then. I know I am getting smaller.

So why do I still feel like crap? Why does the stupid scale make such a difference?

I am tempted to go back to avoiding the scale, but I don't think that's what I need. Because, as I noted the other day with "mirror girl" from the article, I don't want the equipment to have that sort of power over me. I want to look at the number as one indicator of my overall health, not as a judgment.

I wouldn't feel like crap if I noticed that I wasn't drinking enough water on a given day. I wouldn't beat myself up (too much) if I didn't do as many push-ups as I thought I should. Why does this matter so much?

Hmm. I just noticed that I would, in fact, beat myself up if I didn't do "enough" push-ups. Or if I ate "too much". Or if I didn't finish the 5k tomorrow.

Why doesn't "I tried my hardest" seem to be a part of my vocabulary?

Day 20.

Yeah, now this whole "30-days" thing is starting to feel dull. And it feels like a chore. And I feel like I have nothing at all interesting to say.

It's starting to feel like one of "those blogs" where the writer just talks about his or her day and the funny dog he or she saw on the way home from work. Ugh.

I really do have an idea of something I want to write, but it hasn't completely crystallized yet. It has something to do with a weird experiment I did the other day on the way home from work (and did NOT involve a funny dog). I decided to smile for 2 minutes. No matter what passed through my brain, I smiled. And it was interesting. And I recommend that all of you (whoever "you" are) give it a try.

It started making me think about something else, and it had something to do with eating and feelings, but I haven't quite put my finger on it yet. And frankly, this "post every day!" thing feels like SUCH a deadline that I'm not motivated to give this a day or two. Grr.

Not good.

I just had the worst day of my entire career as a teacher. I do not feel like blogging. I do not feel like being in touch with my feelings. All I feel like doing is eating. And maybe having a beer.

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Update, because I'm at home now. I did eat. I did not overeat. And I don't really feel any better. So, for the record, eating doesn't fix things. Not that I didn't already know that, but it's been confirmed.

Sometimes, I read an interesting article.

Carrie at ED-Bites is a really awesome writer, and I love getting the articles that come up on her Facebook feed.

For starters, go check out her blog. Good, real stuff. http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/

Anyway, today she posted this on the FB feed:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stuck/201105/why-i-avoid-mirrors

I was at the zoo with my son (don't tell my school...I skipped out early because I didn't have an afternoon class! Shhh!), and saw this posted. And figured I'd read it while waiting for the zoo train to start moving. And once I started reading, I realized that this was the sort of article that was going to demand more of my attention.

Man, I don't know WHAT to think. Part of me applauds the author for "coming out" with her mirror avoidance. It's a good thing to recognize when a tool (be it mirror or bathroom scale) is causing unnecessary strife and contributing to self-loathing. Been there, done that, squeezed into the t-shirt, then had to buy new t-shirts in a myriad of sizes.

On the other hand...goodness, but is she ever hatin' on herself! And, if I may say, I think there's a world of difference between what she's doing (avoiding reflective surfaces so as to, if I read her words correctly, avoid seeing her imperfections confirmed by the mirror) and what I was doing with the scale (avoiding the scale so as to avoid having my self-image distorted by the number on the scale).

Both are protectionist measures, sure. I'm just glad that I'm at a place where, almost all of the time, I think I look pretty good...and all of the time, I feel like a worthwhile person.

What do you think?

Let me tell you of some successes!

1. I am currently passing every portion of my fitness test (run, push-up, sit-up, waist measurement), and I still have 2.5 weeks before the test.

2. I ran a 5k last night in just over 35 minutes. No walking.

3. I ran 5 MILES tonight, with 2 1-minute walks.

4. I can drop to the floor and do push-ups whenever I feel like it, and I don't look like a weakling.

Never would have thought these things would be happening. I enjoy exercise. I also enjoy the endorphins...but mostly, I really love feeling like I'm meeting and BREAKING goals! Again, it's awesome to see "success" as a thing that is NOT measured by a scale.

This photo says it all.

Why didn't this post?

I know I was up late, but I was busy passing all of the portions of my fitness test!

So, every year, I have to take my USAF fitness test. I failed last year. I have been working since January to have success this time...and, with three weeks to go before the actual test, I met the requirements for the run, the pushups, and the situps last night. Woo!

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Reader Challenge Question!

Maybe this is a test to see who's reading.

Or maybe I'm PMS-y and in a crummy mood and need a pick-me-up.

If you are reading, can you please comment and let me know what things YOU have done to help get rid of the "blahs"? It's been one of those days where I just feel sort of crummy. I'm not mad or sad or anything like that, just....blah.

So, what do YOU think I should do?

Man, I'm getting lazy.

This is something I do not like about the Blogathon: I have to post every day, even if there's not much going on.

So, I was feeling flabby, tired, cranky, and generally dissatisfied with life and with myself today. I mean, I was feeling really foul. I knew that I wanted to get my run training done for today, though, so I dragged myself out the door. Glad I did, because the run helped my mood so much. Got home and did my pushup and situp training, and then finished up with the weight training that I blew off yesterday. It definitely gave me a different way to look at my body. I'm becoming powerful. I'm no bodybuilder, and I'm not running any marathons, but compared to where I was in December, I'm doing really well. And that has nothing to do with the scale.

Stupid Blogger.

Ate my post last night, and now I can't remember what I said.

Grr.

At least it seems to be back up. I need to remember what I was thinking about writing today. It's been a tiring day.

i don't have anything interesting to say.

So, I'm going to rip off advice that I gave someone else today. Because I know lots and lots and lots of people who say and think things like she does, and I'll bet that the advice would be good to hear for others.

For what it's worth, I have modified a couple of statements in order to preserve the anonymity of the other person. And, I really, honestly do blame dieting and diets and the diet industry for ripping apart the self-esteem of so many women.

Here is what I am seeing: You look like the average woman. Really, you do. If I took pictures of every other mom of every child in my son's class, at least half of them are your size or larger. And so am I. It may not be "perfect size", but it's very, very average. But...you are constantly telling yourself that you are SO, SO overweight. You talk about yourself as if your self-image is totally distorted. It doesn't sound like you see yourself the way you really look. And, it sounds like you see your size as an "enemy". So, you're at war with YOUR SELF.

You're also describing a really unrealistic set of diet habits. When you post your meals, they're extremely low-calorie. When I was dieting, I was eating 1800 calories/day. And I wasn't exercising. I know others eat less, but there isn't a doctor on the planet (not a smart one, at least) who will tell you that it's okay to eat less than 1200/day. Eating less isn't virtuous. It isn't going to make you healthier. And it isn't sustainable long-term. It's just going to make you feel shittier and make it harder to stay on track.
Food is not a bad thing, and it's not worth fighting. Food is awesome. It's enjoyable. It tastes good. If you're not giving yourself the chance to savor what you're choosing to eat, you're probably going to keep feeling resentful and shitty about everything you eat.

Also, it's been EXACTLY three weeks since your started the diet. Did you learn how to do ANYTHING in three weeks? I'm guessing that no one has. This is a process. Be kind to yourself. Allow for mistakes. And, don't let a "bad day" be a "failure". Correction: Don't let a "not totally picture perfect eating day" be a "bad day" at all. It's not about good and bad.

If you're at war with your self, and food is another enemy, there isn't a whole lot of room for taking care of yourself. And, if you're like just about every other woman I know, you're more likely to start craving food when you feel beaten down. So, your response to feeling shitty about dieting is probably going to be...to crash the diet. This entire idea is destined to fail.

Here is what I would recommend for you: If you're absolutely convinced that you HAVE to diet, stop thinking about trying to eat "perfectly". Perfect doesn't exist. Use an online calculator (the ones at Sparkpeople are good) to come up with a reasonable and healthy RANGE of calories that would allow you to sustain, nourish, and take care of yourself. You can do this and still lose weight. I promise.

There is another option, too. You can give up dieting. This has worked extremely well for me. I do think that this approach takes a really serious commitment, though...but it's worth it.

I hope you're able to read this in the spirit in which it is intended. I hate to see anyone feel so beaten down by themselves.

Haiku Day!

Yay! It's dinnertime!

Checking in with my hunger...

Damn. Not hungry yet.

The other day, I desperately wanted to eat. But, I wasn't physically hungry. This was distressing, because I WANTED to eat. So, I distracted myself for a while...which didn't necessarily help. I was still un-hungry but wanting to eat. What ended up helping was honoring the feeling of wanting to eat, while acknowledging that eating without hunger wasn't going to make me feel good. This didn't totally take away the feeling that I "deserved" to eat, but it did make eating when I was actually hungry much more pleasant. And I know I chose a meal that I was really able to enjoy, because I waited until my body was ready for food.

This was a good experience.

This is not about "getting thin"

And THAT is something I believe, no matter what.

I went out for a run tonight- 3 x 17-minute runs. But, I ended up chafing at the seam of the leg of my shorts (anyone who has run in plastic-y shorts will understand this feeling), and I had to pee. Badly. So, I skipped the last portion of the run, limped my raw legs home, and nearly pissed myself getting my shorts off. And then immediately felt crappy for not finishing tonight's program.

But dammit, I ran a 5k. And at a decent pace (considering I was expecting to add another 1.5 miles to the run). There's NO WAY I could have accomplished that back in January! And on top of that, I came in and finished the weight training that I had scheduled for today. That realization made me feel so much better- I'm getting fit.

I feel strong and fit and awesome. Does it really matter that my butt isn't the size I'd like it to be? I feel like I could kick someone's ass. Given the right person, I probably could. THAT'S what matters- not my size, and certainly not the number on the scale.

And, it doesn't feel like work. I look forward to running and lifting. I enjoy beating my time or increasing my reps. It's FUN. Weighing myself is not fun. Squeezing into a pair of jeans so that I have an excuse to feel like shit is not fun. Given the choices, I pick fun over misery.

And still, I ate carrots.

It's mother's day. For anyone else who doesn't have a living (or present) mom, this day can tend to suck.

And I didn't overeat.

My husband took me out for lunch. My son, who has been getting into SO MUCH trouble lately for behaviors that might actually be out of his control, was a booger at the restaurant.

But I didn't overeat.

I chose to participate in the weekly weigh-in. With a fitness test less than a month away, it's good to know how I'm doing with weight. And even though I'm generally living a healthier life than I had in the past two years, it went up this week.

But I stayed positive.

In the midst of all of this, I felt really lucky to have the day with my husband and child, who, despite their (and our) challenges, enrich my life on a daily basis. I was able to listen to my body, make food choices that felt right, and stop eating when I was full.

And when my body told me that I wanted carrots and snap peas, I listened. And they were good.

Not a good enough day to have a witty post title.

I don't want to go into the details. I was supposed to hear about a potential job, and I didn't. While that's annoying, I also am dealing with increasingly challenging problems in my family life. Without disclosing anything, I can say that things have been very hard today.

And I am responding by eating. Are there better methods of coping with stress and fear and uncertainty? Certainly. There are dozens of things I could be doing instead of eating. I could take a bath. I could just go to sleep. I could meditate or read (can't do yoga, and can't exercise, since I hurt my legs by doing lunges. For some reason, I keep forgetting that those always, always hurt me for days).

Also, I'm dealing with the residual feelings from weighing last weekend. While I haven't been "obsessing", I'd be lying if I wasn't starting to think about cutting calories and dieting. And, as always, that has backfired.

Do I believe what I say?

So, as promised, here is the Facebook post:

:It breaks my heart- seriously, it makes me cry- to see people that I know and love beating themselves up over what they see on the scale or on the tag of their jeans. Folks, you are worth SO much more than a number. Stop reducing yourself to something so insignificant, because your value is immeasurable.:

Actually, that was my post in response to a friend who was lamenting her lack of being "the perfect size". I said to her:

:Um. Well. I hate to tell you, but you ARE perfect. And you're perfect because you are exactly as you are, now. It took me decades to realize that the pursuit of the "perfect size" was turning me into a person that I didn't like...and even when I got to that size, I still wasn't happy with the way that I looked! You're an awesome person, and you're never going to be more (or less) perfect than you are at any point in time. Embrace it.:

IS this what I believe? I believe it for other people. While I am a ridiculously critical person, I'm not judgmental. So, while I may notice that a friend has gained or lost weight, it doesn't change the way I "see" them.

Why don't I see myself as perfect, the way I am? I know that a great deal of it has to do with the way I think others see me. So, I feel "okay" until I think my husband might be grossed out by me. Seriously. Even though I barely notice that he is not as thin as he used to be...I think he's "grossed out" by me!

What makes me so special in my mind that I deserve to be more important (and therefore, held to a higher level of scrutiny) than everyone else?

Facebook comment

I am reminding myself to come back later to post something that I saw and something that I wrote yesterday. Right now, I'm in desperate need of coffee and am not looking forward to my 4 hour night class.

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Well, then.

I just asked my husband for my weight. I have to get weighed for my fitness test in a month, and I thought it was best that I knew.

I'm surprised, but not dismayed. I know that the weight didn't come on all at once, and I KNOW that dieting will only result in future weight gain.

This is, then, a great opportunity to get in touch with what my body REALLY wants to eat. There has to be a way to be happy and healthy at the same time, and I think sanity and openness and honesty with myself is the way to go. And, a dose of kindness never hurt anything.

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::Taps Microphone:: Anyone there?

I feel like I'm hitting "publish post" and sending my thoughts out into a void.

Anyway. So, I'm having the damnedest time trying to get back in touch with my hunger. When I quit eating two weeks ago (thank goodness, that's over), I realized that my hunger does have a bottom. I also have begun to suspect that I tend to eat at the VERY first sign of hunger, not when I'm at a 4-5 on the hunger scale.

Interesting how that pit of despair taught me a useful lesson.

Now...why can't I get that lesson into my head? I am not going to starve if I allow myself to feel hunger. And...I am not going to starve emotionally if I allow myself to feel loneliness.

And the lessons keep on comin'. :)

Another itty bitty post

Hi guys.

I only have a minute, because I just went for a run and I'd like to have some dinner.

Day 2 of the blogathon, and I already feel like I'm drowning in work. I have to get caught up. Hopefully, once that happens, I'll be able to dig in to this whole idea of "intimacy" that I mentioned on my drive home last night (which is when I posted...thanks, Blogdroid!).

I am hoping that this Blogathon will help me spend real time exploring my thoughts and feelings surrounding weight, health, body image, and how all of this is connected to everything else in my life.

Is anyone reading?

Blogathon Day 1

interestingly, my first day for this blog challenge involves me having a very very long day. I am tired, and I'm not extremely motivated to be writing anything right now. based on something that happened today, I had a question for everyone. or 4 myself. What is the definition of intimacy? And how does it apply to my struggle to find balance in my life? if I have a hard time defining intimacy, does this relate to my inability to figure out what enough is?

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Mini-update

I did answer the Women, Food, and God Week 4 questions, but haven't yet posted them.

I am going through a lot of unrest in my personal life- in fact, this might be the most trying and difficult time in my life (more challenging than becoming a parent or losing a parent). I try very hard to keep my personal life separate from this blog, so I am not adding additional details.

I will say that, for the first time in my memory, I did not eat due to stress (or whatever it was- "agonizing despair" might be a better description of how I felt). And today, I am experiencing what Geneen Roth describes as the "equal and opposite binge" to the couple of days of starvation.

Interesting.

Tomorrow, I will get back to my self. For tonight, I'm just limping through life.

Quick realisation

I don't like feeling things. I do not like having the risk of being emotional in front of other people. So I tell myself to hold myself together until later...and later has never, ever come.

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Am I crazy?

I registered for the WordCount Blogathon. One post per day for the entire month of May.

I can do this. It sounds easy, right? What worries me is that I tend to post about my grand epiphanies. I don't want to turn this blog into a series of self-indulgent ramblings.

(And, I don't want to admit that this blog just might currently be a series of self-indulgent ramblings.)

What I hope is that someone else will read my neurotic thoughts and something will "click", and they might end up choosing to give up the dieting madness. My life is infinitely better as a direct result of NOT dieting, NOT weighing myself, NOT counting calories...

If you're reading, what are your thoughts? Am I self-indulgent and neurotic? What do you get out of reading this? Thanks!

Women, Food, and God-- Week 4

(Sorry...I typed this all out about a week ago, and never got around to posting it!)

1. The title of Chapter 3 is based on the writing of Buddhist teacher
Pema Chodron. Author Geneen Roth begins the chapter recounting
the story of feeling out of her mind and trapped at a meditation retreat in the middle of the desert in Joshua Tree National Park. What situations and feelings in your life have you tried desperately to escape?

The most significant was when my mom was sick. I spent a lot of time in various forms of denial and avoidance- either through being silly and lighthearted with her, or by hiding out in my friend's dorm room. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want THERE to exist, if that makes sense. In normal life, I want to bolt pretty often- when things get scary and there's an element of the unknown (this can range from facing a meeting that I know will bring bad news to sitting on hold to reserve a hotel room for vacation). I
don't like...no, I HATE...situations where I don't feel like I have some control. Has that word come up for me before? I think it has.

2. On page 37, Geneen describes compulsive eating as "a way that we leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what's going on. It's a way to distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be." How do you use food as a way to bolt from yourself and your life? What is the story you tell yourself about why you do this? What do you think would happen if you didn't bolt? (That's the story!)

When I was talking about wanting to have control in the last question, what I wanted to write was that I "can't stand" not feeling like I have control. I often think to myself that I "can't stand" things. I don't know what that means, exactly...like, do I think I'll spontaneously catch on fire, or disintegrate, or what? I think that I think I am not strong enough to deal with the things that come up in my life. This can't be true. I've gone through divorce (as a child and as a spouse), I've lost a parent, I've gained a child, I've fought to keep my marriage together (and have actually kept it together
this time!), I've made it through college, and graduate school, and basic training, and numerous promotion panels, and job interviews. I've dealt with hostile co-workers and parents of students who are looking for a fight. I've dealt with employers who wanted to get rid of me. And I'm still here. I'm still here! And I've learned and grown from each one of those experiences. Why would I want to deny myself those learning opportunities? Every time...even when things have been too painful to bear (or so I thought), I've learned something. Okay. I don't know that I "learned anything" when my
mom died except that I would not die when she did. Beyond that, it's pretty much a really shitty thing to recall. That's going to be a topic that comes up again later, because I'm REALLY resisting even thinking about it.

3. Geneen writes that "weight loss is the easy part because anytime
you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight." But
ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. You don't have to make a choice between the two.
What do you think it will feel like to live your life in the present
moment? Take a few moments to imagine yourself free of both the
obsession with food and the many ways you diminish your
experience by leaving yourself.
Count the number of times today that you bolt from your experience, your feelings, your life. When you get to 100, start again at the number 1!

I've noticed that every time I think about food when I'm not hungry is an attempt to "bolt". So, it happens A LOT. One thing that I feel compelled to point out is that EVERYONE does this. We're not broken, us in this little group. It's not like this attempt to avoid things is unique to people who use food as a coping tool. DH does this by listening to music or watching TV or making bad jokes. I also appreciate that Geneen frequently points out that this is something she still works on every day, too. It's not something to be "cured"- it's something to be understood, and hopefully, used as a tool for a
way to figure out when things are getting hard in our lives.

4. If, as Geneen writes on page 37, "compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul" because we refuse to take in what sustains us, ask yourself what you are really depriving yourself of in your live. Look around you right now. What do you see that you have not been seeing? A color? A person's face? An object you've walked past
many times but not really stopped to "take in." Take a moment now
and let yourself take in something you find beautiful. Notice how that impacts you.

LOVE the phrase "anorexia of the soul". Just wanted to write that down.
Just for kicks, I walked through my (really, REALLY messy) kitchen. And I noticed that I seem to be a little obsessed...and didn't even realize it...with symmetry. I should take a photo of the dirty dishes stacked up in the kitchen. It's almost artistic (and it's really embarrassing, how many dishes there are to wash, so no pictures for you!). But, everywhere I looked, I saw that my disorder is actually pretty orderly. Hot damn, I AM a control freak, aren't I!

5. There are many ways to bolt. Blaming someone else for your
feelings, getting into a fight, comparing yourself to someone else,
dreaming about life in the future, regretting or resenting the past.
Eating. Drinking. Surfing the Internet. Take a moment to think about the many ways you run from uncomfortable situations,
circumstances, people and feelings in your life. What do you think
you've gained from doing this? What do you think you've lost?

Well, life is way easier when you don't have to deal! I know for an
ABSOLUTE fact that I am a much more self-absorbed person than I want to be. I'm self-centered. And that's something that does not happen as much when I'm fully present in my own life. It would be great to really notice the people around me instead of being so damned worried about the way that they're seeing me.

6. On page 40, Geneen writes that "obsession is a way of organizing
your life so that you never have to deal with the hard part—the part
that happens between two years old and dying. But the glitch in living life this way is that it is not a life lived in the present moment because the pain you are avoiding has already happened. You are living your life in reverse."
In your life, what are you afraid will happen that you won't be able to handle? Has it already happened? Do you believe your relationship with food helps you tolerate events in your life you don't feel you have the resilience to withstand? Is that actually true? Ask yourself if those events are still affecting you after you eat.

Right now, I am afraid that I won't have a job next year. Or that I'll choose the wrong job. Or that my husband or son will be negatively affected by the job I choose. Or a million other job-related things. My most recent inclinations to eat have happened while filling out job applications or while getting interview stuff ready. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to suffer more job disappointment. I don't want another confirmation that I am not good enough, and that I am not worthy of being wanted. And yeah, food is an AWESOME distraction from those feelings. Honestly, eating
does make those feelings go away for a while. It doesn't cure them,
though.

7. When you don't use food to shut yourself down or to leave your
body, you'll feel more alive. Just for this moment—here, now—feel
what you feel. Feel what is going on in your legs, your arms, your
chest. Be specific. Notice particular sensations and if they are cool or
warm, pulsing or vibrating. How does feeling what is here differ from
what you thought was here? When you sense yourself directly,
immediately, right now, without preconception, who are you?

I have a little headache. I feel tired and have some eye pressure stuff going on. I just feel very, very tired. My head feels tired. And I'm starting to feel hungry (the way that I know it's actual hunger; it's up at the top of my stomach, not lower in my belly). I don't like feeling this. I feel so freaking tired all the time, and I don't think I should be THIS tired. I really don't do enough to warrant this sort of feeling. I preferred feeling like I was just here and accomplishing stuff.

8. On page 44, Geneen recounts spiritual teacher Stephen Levine
saying that "hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where
you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Being
constantly agitated or nonaccepting about the inevitable." Do you
want your life to be different from what it is? Consider the possibility
that you leave yourself because you believe you will be left, and so
you want to "get there" first. You want to protect yourself from the
pain you imagine would happen if you were left. (In this case, being
left can mean being hurt, being rejected, being disappointed, being
sad. It can mean any time you are left with your own uncomfortable
feelings). Is it possible you are living in your own self-created hell?

Is it possible that this is a real question? Do people really not do this all the time, all over the world? Because seriously, I've known that this was a self destructive thing for decades. I've known that I have a tendency to "hurt before being hurt" for a long, long time. Fear of rejection, fear of loss of control (which can lead to rejection/loss)- yeah, I already knew that.

9. On page 47, Geneen writes that "to stay, you have to believe there
is something worth staying for—and then you have to bring yourself
back, again and again. The initial glimpse of wonder…becomes a
commitment to bringing yourself back each time you bolt." What do
you believe is worth staying for? Can you make a commitment to
bring yourself back over and over? Are you willing to start now?

I can do this. I've already felt how awesome it is to deal with this stuff openly, without being afraid of being destroyed. And it's a good and powerful feeling.

too important to wait

I'm having to use the voice to text program on my phone because I do not wanna forget what I was just thinking. I was listening to Geneen Roth's cds and doing the meditation on the bite by bite disk 1.

I realize that I have been eating as a major distraction tool from all of the anxiety of that I've been feeling and that's a fact of the eating I end up feeling so the small and powerless.

I actually think that feeling is working for me because when I feel powerless it means I don't have to do anything to try to deal with the anxiety or the problems. so that feeling of not doing and feeling powerless is actually a result that I sort of want.

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What's up?

I am suggesting to myself right now that something might be wrong.

I have been feeling physically bad lately. I have been feeling emotionally bad as well.

Food stuff- I've almost been disassociating. Which is weird. It's like food is not only NOT a solace (which isn't my goal, but would normally be my response to stress), but it's not...anything.

I can hardly remember eating over the past couple of days, except for a couple of special event things. This is abnormal for me.

I wish I could say that I'm having some sort of epiphany. I'm not. I have no idea what is going on, how all of this is really connected, what the "big deal" is, or how I'm going to fix things. However, I am at least acknowledging that something isn't right. And that's a start.

Another day of worksheets.

I must be in a way crummier mood than I had thought.

I have spent the past couple of days feeling awfully useless and pitiful and, as always, this has quickly translated into a period of self-loathing. So, it's interesting to see how I answered my worksheet questions today.

1. On page 22, author Geneen Roth writes that she turned to Hostess Sno Balls the same year she gave up on God. Do you turn to food for comfort, sweetness and the feeling that you matter?


I always say that I do. I'm working on making sure that I really look at the reasons behind my eating now, though. I think that, sometimes, I eat because it's something I can DO, rather than doing nothing and feeling powerless. There is comfort to be had in food, but it's also a wonderful tool of distraction. I HATE feeling like I can't control a situation. I hate feeling like other people are able to do things that ultimately change the course of my life. I really, really hate that feeling.

2. What does going on a diet mean to you? Does it give you a feeling of taking control and doing something for yourself? If you have been on many diets, do you honestly believe this one is different, or do you diet because you are discouraged and don't know what else to do?

Going on a diet currently means to me that I have given up on trying to accept myself. Dieting is an act that specifically says that I am NOT good enough the way that I am.

I suppose that, in a roundabout way, exercise can be the same thing. Except that exercise often empowers me, and dieting always, without fail, either leaves me feeling really righteous and virtuous, or leaves me feeling crippled and sort of insane. And hungry.

3. On page 23, Geneen describes dieting like praying and that "making the decision to stop dieting was like committing heresy, like breaking a vow that was never supposed to be broken." Are you ready to stop dieting? What feelings does thinking about this bring up for you?

What she says pretty much mirrors what I said for question 2. NOT dieting is an act that tells me that I can accept and trust myself.

I wish I could diet and be happy. I wish that there was some sort of magical cure. Or that I knew how to really be at peace with having extra fat on my body. But, if I'm going to be unhappy with myself, I'd rather do something that has a chance at teaching me how to become happy, rather than doing something that history has shown me will make me miserable.

4. From page 25: Geneen writes: "I don't believe in the God that most people call God, but I do know that the only definition of God that makes sense is one that uses this human life and its suffering—the very things we believe we need to hide or fix—as a path to the heart of love itself. Which is why the relationship with food is so important." What do you believe about God, love and your life?

About God: hell, I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

About love: I think it's a good idea. It's complicated, though.

About my life: Huh. I guess I'm in the same place on all three. Tonight, I am feeling very jaded and tired. I'm tired of trying to sort through things. I'm tired of things feeling unfair, and feeling like my best efforts are not enough. And I know all of this is connected.

5. Do you believe you deserve kindness and beauty? If other people deserve it—if your children deserve it—why not you? Why is it so hard to treat yourself lovingly?

I don't.

I don't deserve those things, because I've screwed up too much. And I'm still doing penance. And no, I do not want to talk about it anymore. I've done that for decades, through scores of self- and professional-help experiences, and I still don't feel better. I still feel like I deserve to be punished for things that I would instantly forgive from strangers.

6. In Women, Food and God, Geneen says your relationship to food is a doorway to your true nature, your deepest self. Do you believe you have a true nature and a higher self? Are you willing to use your relationship with food as the doorway to that?

I know this can work. And I have experienced this "higher self" concept. I would like to have that back in my life.

Working through "Women, Food, and God": Week 1

Yeah, yeah, I'm actually using the worksheets from Oprah's website. Shut up. I'm going back through the book with a group located elsewhere on the interwebs, and this is copied and pasted from that discussion. As always with journaling, I take very little time to ponder my responses. This approach usually leads to more honesty. And I was surprised by some of my answers, especially the idea that I have anorexic tendencies. That frightens me.

1. The prologue begins with "80 hungry women" sitting in a circle together, waiting to eat and pay attention to how they use food. If you were one of those women being asked to be silent and pay attention to themselves, their hunger and their many feelings about food, how do you think you would feel?


At this point, I'd mostly be okay with this. I think that I have a tendency to think too much and get sort of "overly spiritual" with exercises like this, maybe because I'm trying to prove to myself how much I "get it".

I have noticed that feeling hunger has a tendency to make me feel virtuous, as long as I am hungry. I'm starting to think that I have anorexic tendencies, which is odd, because I'm an overeater. But, feeling hunger makes me feel like I'm doing things "right".

2. From page 2: "Our relationship to food is an exact microcosm of our relationship to life itself. You are a walking and talking expressions of your deepest convictions; everything you believe about love, fear, transformation and God is revealed in how, when and what you eat."

What are your deepest convictions, and how do you think they show up on your plate every day?


This is easy for me! When it comes down to it, I feel like there is NEVER going to be enough of ANYTHING. I have to take it all, right now, or someone is going to take it away from me. And at the very core of that, I believe that everything is going to be taken away from me because I don't deserve anything. If I don't take care of my needs, no one else is going to look out for them. No one else is going to pay attention to my needs enough to make sure that I am okay. But, having those thoughts also means that I am extremely selfish, because you're not supposed to really look out for Number One. Sacrifice is virtuous. Hoarding is not.

3. On page 5, Laurie says that things are hard, but at least she has food. Do you relate to her? Do you use food when things get hard? If so, does using food make things easier?


I definitely relate to this. Especially now. I've been feeling a LOT of "I know I'm not really hungry, but fuck it, everything sucks and this is something that I can do for me" lately. To a frightening degree. And I'm aware that I am using food as a diversion.

It is not helping. The suckiness is not going away. I don't magically have job stability or a peaceful marriage. I don't suddenly feel good about my fat midsection. But, I do feel like I am doing something. I'm distracting myself. And it's not helping a single thing.

4. On page 13, author Geneen Roth writes about her many diets and her weight history. Take a moment to consider your own food and weight history. What has it been like? Did the ups and downs of it correspond with particular events in your life? As you begin to read Women, Food and God, notice the feelings you have about what has and hasn't happened in your relationship with food. As you enter a brand new process and start a new journey, do you feel discouraged? Hopeless? Excited? Does a part of you believe that nothing will work? It's good to name those feelings so that you don't sabotage yourself with them.


I just tonight told my husband that I hate how my weight correlates with my job stress. And this has been a very bad year. I also notice that I lose weight when I'm feeling less stable in my marriage OR when I feel like my job is to the point where I have nothing left to lose.

I've been reading Geneen's books for a decade, almost to the month. And I've had Intuitive Eating on my Kindle for several months. I know how to do this. And I feel totally cynical at this point. I feel like I can't follow this long-term, because I haven't ever been able to do it. I always give myself too much permission to "slip" back into mindless eating. So, I want that to go away. I don't want to feel like I don't have the ability to be mindful and to care for myself.

5. From page 16: "Not sure what you really believe? Pay attention to the way you act—and to what you do when things don't go the way you think they should. Just for today, pay attention to what you value. Reflect on how you spend your time and your money. Pay attention to what you eat." What do you do when things don't go the way you want them to go? What do you really believe about your place here on earth? Do you think your life has meaning? Do you believe you are doomed to fail or that you are worthy no matter what you weigh?


Back to the second question: I definitely feel like the world is a mean, ignorant place and that I have to make sure that I get everything I need. And I need to stockpile, because there is no way to know for sure when the whole system is going to come crashing down. And that people cannot be trusted.

I use my intellect to justify stalling on the spiritual stuff. Rather than attack and conquer problems, I waste time figuring out the source and exploring everything about the problems. If I would ever decide that enough was enough and take action, things would be great. But, I use second-guessing as a way to back out when things start going well. Because I am uncomfortable with life unless things are going wrong and chaotic. That's what I know, and it's what feels safe.

6. How has food served as a source of punishment and/or shame in your life? What do you think it would take for you to really change your relationship with food?

EVERYTHING in my life is a source of punishment and/or shame. Is this abnormal? it's all connected, and any bit of it can be used to degrade or to uplift. Get real, people.

That last part of question 5 is crucial. My husband once told me that I am so used to being miserable that I create conflicts when things are going well. I think he was really talking about his mother...but I also think he is right. If there is no crisis, I feel uncomfortable. Because the other shoe always drops. If I can get to the point where I don't feel that way, things can change.

Fragile.

Have I mentioned that I have a ridiculous fear of bridges? More specifically, of driving over them?

I start to worry that my car will, somehow, fall over the side of the bridge. And then my body will be crushed or I will drown. Or the bridge will crack in half and my body will be crushed or I will drown. No matter how many times someone points out that this just isn't going to happen, I still worry.

The other day, I started to have one of my "Oh no, my body will be crushed!" fears, and then I started thinking about how fragile the human body is. If I walk into a chair (which happens frequently), I get a bruise. If I fell down the stairs, I'd probably break a bone. My son ran into a pole this fall and had to get stitches (to add to his head trauma collection that he started a few years ago). Bodies are easy to break.

I don't know if the mind is as easy to break. Normal, day-to-day things are probably unlikely to break someone's mind (read: make them crazy, trigger a disorder, etc).

And, just as I try to avoid walking into chairs because I don't want to be covered in bruises, I should probably continue to stay away from the scale and from diets, because I don't want to risk triggering my disorder.

However...and this was the "aha!" that came out of the whole bridge freak-out...I'm starting to think that I am TOO careful with myself sometimes. I avoid thinking about eating healthy food because I'm trying to eat only what I want. And sometimes, I really think that my mind turns into a spoiled child and wants ONLY the "fun foods". Not only do I need to dig a little deeper when I get hungry, but I think I can afford to take off the kid gloves when dealing with my emotions. I don't want to be an emotional child. I want to be a healthy adult. And I suspect that there is a way to make that happen.

Fitness Update

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

I found a dietitian in my area who specializes in intuitive eating. Unfortunately, her rates are a little high. Maybe I'll be able to pay for it once I start adjuncting...I really think that having a third-party who is dedicated to helping me manage my eating habits would help a lot!

My eating is, for the most part, really good. Or, it's really "afterthought-ish", which is way better than binging. That said, I'm still not craving "nutritious" foods, and I hope that will happen soon. I suspect that I am still trying to substitute warm, starchy foods for stability, if that makes sense.

One awesome update: I've been following the Couch to 5k program, and just finished the 6th week. 25 straight minutes of running. And I LOVE it. I'm looking forward to exercise. I feel better when I'm done with a run. This is what exercise is supposed to feel like.

I got a great Groupon deal for a month's gym membership. And I'm working with a trainer. I had to be really assertive in making the focus on passing my fitness test and gaining strength, NOT on getting slim. It's very interesting to me how hard it was for him to understand this. I wonder why that is?

Nice epiphany tonight

I was driving home, and I started noticing my belly.

Now, normally, "noticing my belly" means "beating myself up for being fat and pathetic and blah blah blah". That's not what happened. Here's what my brain did, without prompting or pause:

"Jeez. When did I become such a weenie? I remember when I looked like I could kick someone's ass!"

It was still a thought of judgement. However, there is a BIG difference in how I felt when I called myself "weak" compared to the feeling of "fat". I don't feel powerless and hopeless. I feel like I want to get in shape...and not "get skinny", but get in shape. I want to look and feel powerful.

I think that's good. It feels good, at least.

Good news, bad news.

Well, I'm back to running, and I started doing push-ups today. None of this is triggering, which is awesome. And it's getting easier to run, which rocks!


I'm losing sight of intuitive eating, and am instead reverting to permissive eating without any compensating via dieting. So, while it's good that I am not starving myself, I'm not listening to myself, either. It's been an awfully stressful couple of weeks at work.

Any ideas on how to talk myself out of permissive eating, without creating a feeling if deprivation?

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Hmmm.

Just got my first pedicure in over two months.

Why have I neglected to take this simple step to make myself feel good for so long?

Self-indulgent, and possibly triggery.

I think it's wise for me to start out mentioning that this post may include triggers. It's definitely going to include a lot of negative self-talk, and I think that's bad for everyone.

In short, perhaps no one should read this.

I've had a couple of bingeing episodes in the past few months. I'm in the middle of a pretty significant one. This is very clearly different from the last ones. Usually, binges can be characterized by what is fueling or triggering them. And usually, my binges are brought on by a lot of stress or anxiety. This one is no different.

Except, this one also has a completely self-punishing aspect to it. I feel like I totally deserve to be hurting myself with food.

(journaling now) I think this happened for two reasons: First of all, I spent the week at a conference around a lot of people that I haven't seen in a year or more, some people who I see regularly who are much thinner than me, and some total strangers who are definitely younger and thinner and generally prettier and more awesome people, I imagine. Also, I spent three days in a uniform that was, without question, too small for me. It wasn't mine- I accidentally left my uniform at home. But being stuffed into a skirt that is about one size too small is a constant reminder that I'm utterly FAILING at this whole intuitive eating thing. Because if I was doing it right, I wouldn't be this size.

I've also been very tempted to weigh myself. I know it'll trigger either a binge or a total departure from IE and a crash diet, but the temptation is still there.

So. At least I know what probably caused this binge. I don't feel any better, though. At least I can (hopefully, as long as it's safe to be outside) get back to running tomorrow, and maybe that will help.

Long, self-indulgent post (but good stuff)

I'm having a rough night, y'all. So, I have two choices right now:

1. Eat.

2. Write.

I'll do the writing thing. In my search for something-anything- that would distract me from what's going on in life, I stumbled upon a list of self-seeking questions (intended for use in journaling) from the "Thick and Thin" forum. I'm going to use those as the basis for my writing tonight:

1. When something goes wrong in your life what do you tell yourself? What do you find yourself saying? How do you react? I'm searching for my knee-jerk reaction. I think there's a certain amount of shame of my gullibility. By this, I mean that I feel stupid for allowing myself to think that things would actually go RIGHT for once. It's silly to expect things to work out for me.

2. What is important to you? What matters most to you in your life? What do you value above all else? More than anything, I want to be a good and honest person. I want to take care of the people that I love. I often feel like I fail at this, but my goal is to try to make everyone's life better. This also extends to my students, and generally, to myself.

3. What does a typical day look like for you? How do you spend your time? Do you enjoy the way you spend your time? What does the way you spend your time say about you as a person? I think a lot. I internally catastrophize things- I make up internal stories about how things are bound to fall apart. Usually, I also allow myself to become the hero of the story (I "save the day", or I'm a martyr). I feel like I try to find ways to avoid work, but really, I avoid STARTING work. I'm fine once the work has begun.

I seem to have a real fear of failure, and DEFINITELY am afraid that people will think that I'm some sort of fraud in some way. I hold myself to ridiculously high standards, but my lack of momentum at the beginning of the day, the class, or the project allows me to constantly hold myself back. I can't really disappoint myself if I never get close to trying to meet my goals. This has been going on since at least 3rd grade, although it's gotten better in the past couple of years (during "good times).

4. What do you think about money? What did your parents have to say about money? What financial circumstances did you grow up in? What is your financial situation now? What do you spend your money on? Are you a spender or a saver and why? I'm one of those people who grew up with nothing and always spent like crazy, because I always want to spend it all before the money "goes away". This is also how I feel when the pantry is full. I have a hard time with being content- it's always feast or famine. I'm either frantically trying to budget or I'm on a shopping spree. Never enough to make it so bills don't get paid, but it's still noticeable.

5. What are your thoughts on love? What was your parents relationship like? What are your romantic relationships like now? Are you happy with the state of your relationships? If not, what bothers you most and why do you think it's like this? See #1. I don't ever really feel like I deserve my husband. Even with his flaws, I'm surprised that he puts up with me. On a good day, I feel lucky to have him. My parents fought and eventually divorced. I don't know how much that affects my relationship history...seriously. Except to say that I always tended to self-destruct and end every relationship before I could be hurt.

I definitely apply my "all or nothing" approach to my marriage. Either I'm Betty Crocker, sex kitten, or I'm lazy and inactive. There is generally no middle ground. This is one area where I desperately need to find balance, because my husband deserves much more than all-or-nothing.

6. How do you feel about being alone? Short-term, I'm very okay with it. Sometimes I feel guilty for enjoying solitude when everyone else enjoys being social. Long-term, I'm not sure. I've never been alone for long.

7. What do you believe about God, Goddess, Buddha, The Tao, however you view divinity, or lack thereof? What are your spiritual beliefs? Why do you believe this? Is it based on personal experience? Is it the way you were raised? Where does this belief come from? I don't know. And that's 'progress' from where I was a few months ago. I think I'm swinging back to "Liberal Christianity" from where I was as a "strong agnostic". I don't WANT to believe in God, because it would mean that God is either not in control of everything OR He is sort of mean. But I can't seem to shake the feeling that the God of my childhood is absolutely real.

I also enjoy studying Buddhism. I think there are a lot of absolute truths in Buddhism.

8. Describe yourself. How do you see yourself? How do you think others see you? Would you describe yourself as a thinker or a feeler? I am an introverted, introspective, intuitive thinker. Without hesitation, I can say that this is true. Other people tell me that I am insightful, funny, and that I think too much.

9. Do you view the glass as half empty or half full? Why? My gut answer is "The glass is just the glass". That's sort of interesting, because I don't know what I mean. Maybe it means that the glass has its own value, regardless of the amount of liquid it contains. The glass is not defined by its contents. Huh. That's DEFINITELY interesting!

10. Do you think there is more than enough to go around, or never enough? Why? There is NEVER enough. See #4.

11. Are you the master of your destiny, or is life preordained and you have to deal with the hand you're dealt? I'm not sure. I think that, generally speaking, we choose what happens. I don't think that is always true, though. I think that, sometimes, there is luck, chance, or something like that.

I do not believe in fate.

12. What are your views on life? It is what it is.

13. What are your thoughts on aging? Mostly, I am okay with the idea of getting older. I worry fairly regularly that my husband will not be attracted to me as I get older. I don't know how to reconcile the fact that he will probably still want me around with the fact (and I do think it is a fact) that he will probably enjoy looking at younger women more. That idea really bothers me, even though it is probably true.

14. What are your views on death? I don't know. I want to believe in Heaven, but I have a very hard time with it. I hope Heaven is real.

15. What are your views about sex? What is sexy and why? What isn't sexy and why? Boldness is sexy. Confidence is very sexy. Grace and skill are very, very sexy. The opposite of those things are not sexy. Really, looks have little to do with it.

16. Share your thoughts on sadness and grief. How do you act when you are sad? How do others react to your sadness? Generally speaking, I go into "get shit done" mode. I busy myself with dealing with the repercussions of whatever made me sad. And later (months or years), I fall apart. I don't mourn well.

17. Share your thoughts on anger. How do you act when you feel angry? How are others affected by your anger? I think that I usually try to stay really level. On the other hand, I like to come up with really passive (not passive-aggressive) ways to let other people know that I'm angry. It feels better when I hear from others that my anger is justified.

18. How do you act when you feel hurt or wounded? Do you think it's OK to get even when someone hurts you? If you do, how do you go about getting revenge? If you think revenge is wrong, why? I don't like revenge. Everyone is doing what they can to try to get by in this world. I do what I can to express my hurt when it happens.

19. Share your thoughts on forgiveness. I forgive easily. See #18. I don't forget as well. I think it's a way of protecting myself from being hurt again.

20. We are all familiar with certain catch phrases like...

"Money doesn't grow on trees."
"When it rains, it pours."
"It is always darkest before the dawn."

What are the catch phrases that you find yourself using? Which ones resonate with you? Which catch phrases did you hear your parents use when you were growing up? I use "It is what it is" a lot. Because it's true. I don't remember my parents having any catch phrases.

21. Let's talk about food...

What does food mean to you? Food is...well, it's great. And I'm having a lot of internal resistance to this right now.
What is food for, what function does it serve? Food is generally fuel, but it is also comfort and a way to stay busy and to avoid feeling frustrated or hurt or sad or overwhelmed. It lets me not feel.
What are your favorite foods and why? Most of them. I like the variety of tastes and textures that are available.
What foods do you loathe and why? I often say that I hate salads. This isn't true. There are foods, though, that I correlate with "being good", and those foods are generally foods I avoid.
If someone else was able to observe your eating on a typical day with you being completely unaware of their presence, what would they think? I think that most people would think that I eat way, way too fast. They'd probably think that I have a hard time choosing what I want at home, because I graze a lot.
How do you feel when you eat in front of others? Okay.
How do you feel when you eat alone? Probably more comfortable, but also afraid because I feel like I have the freedom to binge, and that feels scary.

Describe your current relationship with food. It's getting better. I don't feel as guilty when I overeat. I don't feel like there are "bad" foods, and I do think that most foods are emotionally equal at this point. I still eat when I'm not hungry, and I still don't stop when I'm full. I think about doing those things, and usually have a "to hell with it" or "it's more fun to eat" reaction.

22. Let's talk about your body...

How do you see your body? Better than I have ever before in my life.
What is your body for, what function does it serve? Since starting running this week, it feels like a really cool machine. I LOVE running.
What parts of your body do you like and why? I love having a larger chest. It's what I always wanted! Most of my body, I "like". That's the one thing I really, really love.
What parts of your body are hard for you to accept and why? My belly. I want it to be flat. I don't like my cellulite, although I've gotten better at accepting. Still have trouble accepting my belly.
How do you like to dress and why? I want to look "put together" and a little bit "sexy". I generally dress in whatever fits. I'm working on improving my wardrobe.
If you were to stand naked in front of a mirror what would you have to say about your body? I have a long torso. I'm okay the way I am.
If you were to stand naked in front of a room full of people what would they have to say about your body? How important would their opinions be to you? I don't know what they would say. I'd feel hurt if they were laughing or making jokes.
What remarks did you hear from others about your body as you were growing up? Not a whole lot about my size or physical appearance. I heard A LOT about my lack of fashion sense and awful clothes.
How did their comments make you feel? I didn't feel like I was good enough. This is odd, because I was really bothered by not having good clothes when I was a kid...but, it's the one thing that I don't really spend a lot of money on. When I do shop, I drop cash, but I don't do it often...and, until now, I ONLY did it when I was at an ideal weight. I have a closet full of clothes that are 2-6 sizes too small. This needs to change.

Thought of the Day

It is categorically impossible for me to "eat everything in the house". At some point, I won't want to eat anymore.

It's a hard-core munchy day. I'm definitely not limiting my intake to body hunger. And really, I'm FINE with that.

I really wanted to begin running today. This was my solution for the dilemma of wanting to move my body, but NOT wanting to focus on weight loss. Considering the amount of snow that was dumped on the ground, this is probably not the best day to kick it off. And being home today (snow day!) is certainly contributing to my desire to eat. I'm BORED. I feel like being unproductive, and eating is a great way to blow time doing "nothing".

This sort of ties back into the whole concept of undisturbed eating- honoring the process of eating by not allowing distractions (TV, reading, browsing the net). I don't generally like the idea of "doing nothing". And sitting with my food and taking the time to enjoy it feels very uncomfortable and overly indulgent. Some days, it's not that bad- those are also the days where I really enjoy taking long baths. Other days, I don't feel like I "deserve" to have that much time to myself.

I'll bet that I can combat that feeling by making more of an effort to get small things done at home. Right now, I feel like I've just been a slug all day.

Hmm.

I just realized that I'm sort of stuck in a period of self-loathing for the first time in months. I look at my belly and I hate it and want to cut it off.

What's going on? Where did this come from?

Some of it is certainly from that whole failed T-Tapp experiment. And I think some is from this upcoming weekend, and knowing that I probably won't fit into all of my uniform components. I'm also having a lot of insecurity in my relationship, and as always, it's easier to blame those problems on being fat than to attack my real character flaws.

Now, the goal is to figure out how to combat those feelings.

My therapist just dumped me.

And I don't know how I feel about that. Mostly sad, but also glad that I can get on with other plans.

She said that I'm doing really well with everything (and thinks that my burgeoning obsession with my size may be a benign side-effect of beginning to exercise), and she thinks that I have good coping strategies in place.

She wants me to begin an ENJOYABLE exercise routine (read: running!), wants me to put my stress management practice back into place, and wants us to get into couples counseling (my husband and I).

Still, I feel like something is ending.

How Exercise is Messing With My Weight, or I'm Done with T-Tapp

I started a 2-week exercise challenge a week ago. And I really do like the feeling that I'm doing SOMETHING active. I like feeling like I'm reaching a goal.

I DO NOT like the feeling that I'm starting to get about losing weight or mass. Like, I keep asking my husband if I look thinner. I look at my body in the mirror and scrutinize. All of this stuff was behind me weeks ago. Months ago, in some cases.

So, I look at what I'm doing, and I look for connections. In this case, there's a lot of evidence that exercise is messing with my brain. I don't think it's exercise as much as the TYPE of exercise, though.

I've been wanting to run. I think about it. I miss it. So, I think that needs to happen. And I need to be done with the T-Tapp thing, because I can't afford to start worrying about what I'm eating or what I look like. Not with everything else that I've accomplished.

I hope to begin running soon. There, I can see tangible goals that have NOTHING to do with my appearance. I want to be able to run 5k without stopping. I want to be able to run 1.5 miles in the time that the Air Force says I should. Those are fitness goals, not physical ones. And that's where I want my focus to be.